Madison

Sometimes i feel like I'm looking through rose colored glasses

2010-10-15T23:32:00.000-07:00

Feeling a little down very down actually, I want to sleep but I'm waiting for something to happen. NOTHING happens. This is it. So much is going through my head it hurts, I hurt. My eyes burn and tear up as I'm writing this, bc nothing seems real. Everything seems or feels like a lie. I feel like complete then something happens and I feel torn apart, ripped to shreds waiting to be complete again. Then I wake up I'm whole again. By the end of the night as I see and realize things it starts over. I just realize how I'm nothing not needed, how sometimes I feel as if anyone doesn't feel the need to talk to me, to be with me.I'm soo tired sleep right now seems like the sweetest thing.

its not dieting, its eating healthy

2010-10-03T15:10:00.000-07:00

I have to think like that bc if I think dieting I am most likely to fail, and I'm tired of failing I have to do this for myself. I have to make myself happy, I have no energy, no life in me, I'm happiest when with him <3 but when he leaves. And I'm alone its like get up mona do something and I lay there or sit there and do nothing. So if I eat better energizing foods all will be well id have more energy and I kno I will just feel better. I need this! And I have to do this for me, change basically my whole lifestyle bc I'm a junkfood attic. I need to view this healthy food as my junkfood now bc if I'm an addict might as well change my addiction to healthy = junkfood lol. Plus I'm just tired of the way I look, tired of being envious of beautiful girls, secretly wishing I looked like that, I wana look like me but a healthy beautiful me ya kno? And I am I will I have to or else I will die miserable, and others in my state may not be that's fine but me myself and I aren't truly happy and we meaning me I am gonna try my hardest now before its too late....

Taken in, Taken in again...

2010-09-27T16:41:00.000-07:00

Taken in, taken in again
Wrapped around the finger of some fair-weather friend
Caught up in the promises, left out in the end
No pride, taken for a ride
You say I'm the only one when I look in your eyes
I want to believe you but you know how to lie

And if you say you understand I don't believe it
And when you reach out for my hand I don't believe it
And if you say you take the blame I don't believe it
And if say that nothing's changed I don't believe it, don'tbelieve it

Taken in, taken in again
Someone saw me coming, a fool without a friend
There's one born every minute and you're looking at him

And if you say you want me near I don't believe it
And when you're holding back the tears I don't believe it
And when you swear that you are mine I don't believe it
And it's your heart that's on the line I don't believe it, don'tbelieve
it

Taken in, taken in again
Wrapped around the finger of some fair-weather friend
Caught up in the promises, left out in the end
No pride, taken for a ride
You say I'm the only one when I look in your eyes
I'd love to believe you but you know how to lie

You say you want me near I don't believe it
And when you're holding back the tears I don't believe it
Oh, there's one born every minute, you're looking at him

Taken in, taken in again
Someone saw me coming, a fool without a friend
I want to believe you, oh
When you say you understand
When you reach out for my hand
Oh, I wish I could believe you
Taken in, taken in again

Awesome song now bleh... i feel sick allergies i feel all fuzzy in my head and kinda not feeling soo good, I'm soo whiney i knoo thats why only few people know about this blog bc i dont really think anyone cares to hear about whining so yeah. Which is also why i write in this, its a good way to vent so i dont care, today was a very lovely day today i love this weather couldnt enjoy it much because i'm sick but still it was lovely... was with my love for a bit i was happy, then everyone left and yet again alone... someone told me to get use to being alone, i dont think it was meant as an insult i think it was meant in situations such as these. i dont feel happy right now bc i am alone also something upset me that kinda made me feel awfully sad and hurt really like a knife to the heart. i cant complain bc if i do then i am making a big deal and over reacting maybe i am... but if you sent someone a message and they write everyone but you isnt there something wrong with that? after you try to give the proper attention say nice things and yet in the end you get nothing, just waiting.... People lie, I lie, Everyone lies. I try not to but in the end everyone lies about something right? And it may not be a bad lie if there is a good lie. I just wish i didnt care much especially about people who say they care but i think they dont actually i am pretty sure they dont...lies lies lies. yet i can be wrong this could all just be in my head, damn the brain and its mysteries, its paranoia, delusions, and misconceptions. also i have no one to talk to about this as always bc either i get more questions or i get emotional answers instead of logical ones. what i think though is i kno i am gonna say something i regret i always do i am gonna say what is bothering me and it will backfire in my face. Win to lose situation....

pulls away...from you

2010-09-18T00:03:00.000-07:00

I've always hated when someone told me I was a bad person. I kno that ya kno? I kno who I am and I'm not great but I'm not fucking evil or damn I'm not a bad person. I hate when they stab the kinfe in piercing the heart but do they have to twist it too? Usually when they twist they mean to kill I hate how I'm feeling and I have no one to talk to really no one who could understand my current misery. What's funny is tommorro it will be as if nothing happened, what a way to live, cry now laugh later, as they all say get over it right? I do but its always there that fucking knife twisting inside. I'm only angry tommorro I'll find my way, its always better the next day.

Me and my mind my poor poor mind stop caring oh wait that's my small tiny heart eh....

2010-09-16T00:36:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wonder hmm i get angry for things that im wondering maybe i shouldnt get mad at maybe im over reacting ya kno? but damn is it my fault all the time? i cant just be making a big deal over everything and also i mean get over it? really? im sorry if i cant be soo submissive and be like ok its dropped...ok time to breathe and sleep sweet bc im in love with my one and hes all i need. yes im soo sure hes perfect. wow all of a sudden im not angry anymore, even when hes unavailable i think of him and instant happiness. now this is bliss.

swimming in a pool of confusion...

2010-09-10T18:43:00.000-07:00

and it seems im beginning to drown. my paranoia always gets the best of me i think i see things and i dont kno if i dont or maybe i do. i dont even kno what im trying to say im just soo lost. i think im drowning going deeper and deeper the light is going away trying to swim up but i cant reach the surface. lately all i want to do is be with him, all i want is him, if hes not around i feel nothing, i kno what i have to do but im stuck. im drowning i think maybe im just idk i need a push and hes pushing believe me hes pushing but it doesnt seem to work its me its always me. when will i wake up? i need to quit being paranoid and thinking the worst but its soo hard when people put words and questions in my head i think and think then i begin to see things and think well maybe this that is true and i snap out of it that is when i kno i need to stop and do something else to get my mind off of things. but i find myself asking should i listen to me or to them? am i blinded by this love for him? so many questions and as always never any answers. for now i will continue to sink. i notice im talking about 2 different subjects i confuse myself sometimes.

Its been awhile

2010-08-23T10:49:00.000-07:00

well we meet again my blog and i. some say i dont get enough sleep some say i get too much. hmmm if i get too much sleep then why am i tired all the time? i want to lay in bed and sleep all day then i wake up and im tired yet cant sleep so im just there laying there waiting for something waiting for something to hit me to say hey do something dont lay there be with me and then nothing.... im left laying there alone waiting for my love. someone told me i should try to be alone thats its unhealthy for me to be uncomfortable alone i told them well i hate it i dont like being alone it makes me think. i honestly dont like to think bc what starts off as positive thinking turns negative and i have to do something to stop. i hate being alone makes me sad too, well some say i dont get enough sleep that my sleep schedule is all messed up that i should sleep at 2 or 230 the latest so i could wake up early enough to do something umm that will improve my well being. i try i think to sleep early but sometimes it gets hard to sleep i just cant do it my mind isnt ready to sleep to shut down and take a break so im left up and doing things hmmm sucks too some say if i just lay there do nothing i will fall. i do but it never works maybe sometimes but usually not then again it may be my own fault. all i kno is i have to do something bc if not then im gonna become more self loathing and i need to love myself bc lately i hate me myself and i. someone also told me how could you love someone when you cant love yourself? now that i think about it is because maybe i could love him enough to love myself, like i love him soo much he loves me enough to where maybe i could begin to love myself. but then again i could be lying to myself as always trying to make things better being optimistic then ofc as of now i just turned it negative....when will it end?

So just when i thought things were getting better....

2010-04-14T16:02:00.000-07:00

Well my supposed fallen angel blah blah bull because there is no such person he is nothing he is dirt under my fingernails now. I've moved on to what i hope is something better but there are things that make me question. The really bad thing is I have no one to talk to no one to tell how i am feeling to tell me well this is what you should do or maybe you shouldn't say this. I'm alone when it comes to things like this. I'm in love right now with who i am hoping is gonna be it like i don't have to wait as always because i just waited and waited and then he came and i liked him from the start sweet kind funny basically perfect. but in reality there is no perfect is there? I want to believe that maybe i found perfect i do i believe it but then there are things that make me think maybe its all a lie. I'm soo tired of being negative and being hopeless and lonely. Can't i be happy just this once and it be final, I have so much to do yet i don't do it bc why? Bc like the dirt under my fingernails i'm nothing, i try to be but in the end i am an empty shell. i just want to be happy and even after everything i am not and i hate myself for being miserable for something soo petty. My love the love i have now i want to kno he loves me he tells me he does but is it real? or are we living in a fantasy and he knows its all a dream and wakes up while i stay asleep? I have soo much to say and no one to ask, what to do? what to do?

A Precious illusion

2009-12-08T21:47:00.000-08:00

so beautiful so cruel so very misguiding im so tired of constantly having him in my thoughts of wanting him of needing him ~~loving him~~ just the thought of me never being able to touch him hurts my heart ~~i love him so~~ yet the feelings arent mutual i dont even kno what im talking about i wish he would just i just dont kno ~~leave me~~ in peace and be removed from my mind from my heart ~~my poor heart~~ but i kinda dont want that i dont know what i want i kno what i want but i cant have him and im confusing myself yeah i need to stop.

And then there he was....

2009-12-07T22:08:00.000-08:00

All beautiful and shirtless what is it about him that makes me fall. stupidity i suppose but i really dont care when it comes to him. i get angry sad helpless hopeless but i just cant do it i cant stop looking at him i cant stop wanting him. i cant stop seeing him i cant do it. seeing him smile seeing him just makes me so weak so vulnerable i ty not to show i care to show hatred but i fail miserably as always. i should sleep i kno but my eyes wont close must i force them? yes.

Resistance is definitely Futile

2009-12-05T12:54:00.000-08:00

you would think after all this time hed miss me how i was wrong so very wrong im waiting and waiting and nothing, nothing at all. its gone gone gone. and here is me trying so hard to distract myself so im not to think of him but no distractions can only last so long. i miss him and i dont kno why. hes a real jerk and i suppose he hates me how depressing. where did i go wrong? i mean i pick the worst person in the world how bad is this pretty bad. what a waste. maybe when i start school it will all be over ill get over it get over him. im hoping its that easy nothings ever easy. ive met someone else but just a friend nothing more another distraction but a beautiful one. im done.

The wall

2009-11-26T20:18:00.000-08:00

everyone hits the wall eventually.... i miss him im trying to move on but no one will ever make me feel like he makes me feel and i dont know why? hes cruel and secretly loathes me for i do not know why yet i cant stop thinking about him no one else matters no one could touch him his light its unbearable to go on as if i hate him i act as if im disgusted by his very prescence but its just the hate inside that i feel because he doesnt love me because he doesnt even try why cant he try? why am i the only one to feel this way? all im saying is ive hit the wall and i cant go past it because its just so hard to let go. moving on... what do i stand for? who am i? sometimes i feel like a walking hypocrit i believe certain things to be a certain way thn i break the rules i break the rules in which i have made i dont understand? why must it be this way? no answers never any answers....then he does things that make me wonder make me question why why why?

fantasy, daydream, wild imagination, whatever the deal!

2009-11-12T00:38:00.000-08:00

ok so i got this real good story i just thought about it well fantasized about had a daydream even though it is night time i think i will call it almost here it is " ive missed you" i say as hes caressing my cheek just the touch makes my heart flutter tears are developing as my breathing gets heavier i cant ignore my feelings no longer i go for his lips and i open my eyes... to realize its not real but the feelings are. i get alot of these its kinda funny i have a wild and vivid imagination as you can tell.

Get Over it!!

2009-11-11T14:24:00.000-08:00

it seems that i cant move on i cant stop thinking about him dreaming nightmares am i really that hung up? im trying to get out there more so i dont focus on him so i dont need him but i feel so alone and what i dont understand is i was alone even when i was with him so why am i addicted? im scared of what ive become relying on that on him and falling everytime its been awhile since ive even talked to him he really hurt me this time hes done worse but i gotta snap out of this strange infatuation. im so glad i have friends because if i was completely alone i would just torture myself by needing to be in his prescence. moving on so abruptly today is my moms bday im gonna make her a cake or maybe buy it someone said making it is more special but i sure hope it doesnt burn! ooh noo today i was suppose to go to the college to get my schedule how could i forget something so important its too late now so i have to go tomorrow i must go!well thats all for today!

what to do...what to do.

2009-11-10T12:27:00.000-08:00

well so far ive been avoiding my fallen angel because there is a reason why he fell hes a cruel unforgiving individual one that breaks my heart that everytime i look at him its only in disgust because he doesnt love me and i cant ask him to because you cant force what you cant have plus there has to be something more than him there has to be even if i dont see it now there just needs to be ive learned that if someone truly cares about you they wont tell you things to hurt you because when you love someone all you want to do is shield them from any sort of hurt he didnt he never did and look at me still in love with someone who doesnt even care about my heart about my feeling no no no i dont deserve this or maybe i do but i have the power to change it and i wont go back atleast for now. my drug its gonna be hell to get over but i must. well work is in like an hour and it takes me 2 hours to get ready soo gotta get a move on!

To Love and Loathe for Better or Worse?

2009-11-02T18:44:00.000-08:00

what is it all for? i was home today cleaned a bit looked online for a bit i have no life i dont want to do anything i just want to be near him which is not worth it hes so ah evil sometimes i question him moving on what to do im here just here alone miserable inside i got almost everything i need good family good friends a good life so why am i still sad because i have no one to talk to no one to love me the way i want to be loved im lonely evenwhen im surrounded im alone right now actually maybe its making me this way i cant control how i feel but i feel this i have to get rid of it why why why? i loathe him he makes me miserable sad and lonely but i love him i cant name reasons his beauty i suppose its only getting worse for me not better what do i do? short for today sorry i dont feel like writing....

time isnt on my side...or atleast it feels that way!

2009-10-29T12:21:00.000-07:00

i just found out that me and some of my other co workers hours are being cut mine to 23 i do not like this because it means less money and no money doesnt make me happy not one bit, because i might have to pay for college out of pocket due to the fat that i still havent received my financial aide so in conclusion i might have to get a second job which i dont mind its just the fact that i have to look interview all that stuff. but really i dont know what to do i have no clue in fact when it comes to saving its a hard task. i feel like time is running out i only have like what 2 months possibly 1 because i want to apply early i just dont know. thats really all i got so far cant think of anything else at least not now.

idiot idiot idiot!!!!

2009-10-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

do it once shame on you do it twice shame on me do it more more and more shame on both of us! you would think i would know better after all this time after all those times he doesnt even listen to me much less care and my idiotic mind cant face that reality im so tired i gotta do something about this about me i have to i need to i want to? now a days i dont know what i want maybe i never knew. what am i suppose to do wait? wait for what? for all of it to crash down and for there to be nothing left for me except solitude more then than now i suppose. how can someone pull away from someone so beautiful no one understands but me i suppose cause i know its wrong how i feel but hes so beautiful that i cant help myself i thrive off of him i feel like ive never felt before someone like him with his beauty would pay me mind i suppose i just dont see anyone more beautiful i cant see anyone all over hes that drug thats the worse to get over i could smoke, shoot him up everyday hes that alluring only to me i do have an addiction problem and like most drug users they die slowly everyday and still use. i really have no chance he was right about one thing hes gonna be the one to stop to let go not me im gonna go through withdrawals maybe possibly never let go. im so scared for that to happen i dont want it to but i know deep inside that it will all i have to do is enjoy it while i can, enjoy his presence his beauty. while slowly i die because the negativity he feels for me what a cruel fate for me what do you expect the outcome for a drug user. later that day... outcome is always the same im left standing in the rain im surprised i havent drowned yet i find myself thinking will i be happy years to come will i find another like him? i dont think so everyone i see doesnt measure up not even movie stars musicians they dont have anything on him. so what to do what to bloody do? i cant see straight i feel blinded by ecstasy blinded by the light at the end of the tunnel that i cant help but follow and they always say dont go to the light! change change change but none at all still the same havent changed at all what to do what to do what the hell to do!! blah blah blah blah that how i feel right now just blah blah blah blah!!!

liar

2009-10-22T13:29:00.000-07:00

sometimes i want to just punch him so hard that he cant breathe he irritates me so. i dont even care not today. sometimes i see myself as a walking nothing a person who doesnt really know what to say or really has nothing to say i dont know which one i really am, lately i dont want to try i dont want to do anything i see myself wanting to live other peoples' lives i just look on the screen or in reality and wish i was them although i loathe them its only out of envy nothing more i cant seem to change myself my being i stay the same or get worse but never better. time isnt on my side yet again i dont make it on my side i could do a lot to make it better get off work at midnight fall straight to sleep wake up at 9ish eat a nutritional breakfast go for a run but whats holding me back? nothing. absolutely nothing. i just dont want to laziness i suppose im just so tired all the time i dont want to do anything at all i need sleeping pills to put me back on track because i stay up till like 2 or 3 every night and i wake up at noon it takes me like 3 hours to get ready for work so i have no time to go for a mid day exercising routine also i dont want to go alone but maybe it would be good to go alone to think listen to my favorite tunes just be with me its sad it seems that i dont even like my own company much less others. i never knew it would be like this everything would fall apart slowly what a shame.

Wasting My Time

2009-10-15T14:55:00.000-07:00

im getting so tired and sicken by him im realizing how much of an asshole he really is hes soo fuckin mean its not even funny i hate him sometimes i really dont know what the hell i see in him he looks like an average guy to most but i dont know what it is about him. hes the opposite of my perfect guy yet i cant get away he does little things to irritate ma and it gets frustrating he likes to do it he loves to hurt me treat me badly i dont understand pure bloody evil what a waste of time he is yet i stay and wait. i need to forget him cause he is a major asshole like the worst type of person and sadly he knows it, he knows hes evil so why wont he change? because he likes it he likes how he is its sad very very sad. i could never be like him and he thinks hes different cause the music he listens to or the things he knows. now i may not know alot but its because i could care less right now i just dont care about really anything i care about him but he despises me and as i grow more to hate him i cant understand why i cant get away. what is it that pulls me towards him? sure enough its not him he could be hot and cold its hard to tell how he feels. today i despise his very existence why did he have to exist and hurt me so? why couldnt he exist to care about me as much as i care for him? i need to move on but first i need to change my whole being because my self esteem is so low that i hate to look in the mirror and when i do i hate myself even more he makes me feel ugly and ive come to the conclusion that i am ugly no beauty in my being. ive got a lot to change about myself, i need to change.

Why? What is Going on?

2009-10-08T15:09:00.000-07:00

wow wow wow yesterday was very very strange like twilight zone strange he did a fookin 360 on me like he was nice and kind we were just chillin then he just turned all evil and extrmely malicious horrible it hurts my heart to think about it. i dont seem to understand why he just turned on me he ignored me i was extremely upset but he didnt seem to care i care more for him than anyone else and he does these things to me for no reason it was so strange how cruel he was i have never seen anything like it well i have but i usually do something to cause it but yesterday i did nothing to upset him and he just snapped insanely at me hurting me making me so angry that i seriously wanted to kill him but i love him so much that id rather just attempt to hit him im not really strong so i know he could take my hits but seriously that was totally unecessary to treat me that way. the strange thing is later on we got along fine he changed and everything was fine but he gets so moody it gets annoying hes fine then hes not he can do w/e he wants for example dont mess with his computer yet yesterday he got pissed and threw water that couldve damaged my laptop and he didnt seem to care now thats when i think maybe i am crazy for loving a being like this. why why why do i stay? i really need to move on but hes all i could see i ditched my friends just to be near him im such a fool.

Cant Seem to Get Away....

2009-10-05T14:39:00.000-07:00

im so weak when it comes to him so very weak i fall everytime he needs me he wants me to do something ill do anything he wishes because i love him and im addicted to his everything. hes opened doors in me that i know shouldnt be opened but hes soo powerful so beautiful that i have to give in i need to give in. he could make me so high then make me the lowest of low. i dont understand him, hes like a puzzle except none of the pieces fit together then when you change them to fit they change again confusing i know but thats how he is. also i feel as if i dont know him sometimes like hes completely someone else then hes sweet then bitter he has like a bipolar thing going on it seems but what do i do? nothing i suppose i just keep dreaming and i dont mind that even if hes not mine i can dream cant i? today i forgot all about today i did nothing on my day off later ill do some things but not important enough to talk about, the other day i had the worst dream ever so bad that i woke up crying, tears runny nose the whole crying bit, my memory started to fade after awhile so i dont completely remember but i do remember that i was with him and he was being very cruel to the point of making me wish i was dead some event happened i dont want to go into detail because i cant remember all of it then i was getting sent away and an animal came to me a wolf i think? and he said you dont have to be miserable ya know? you could be with me transform yourself and he was telling me how he was in the same situation as me, how he could turn back and forth human, wolf, all i had to do was let go, then i woke up. i remember that part perfect because i was thinking if i should just turn let go be free but then when i woke up i thought but id never see that face again id never see those damn eyes. that was a strange dream very, very strange. if i have some things of more importance then ill write about it but for now im off!

today today today?

2009-10-01T21:40:00.000-07:00

i dont even know today is.... ive noticed that i baby people i cant help it i feel the need to help others well kinda it depends. ill get to the point later for now i gots to go!

Nothing Seems Real Anymore....

2009-09-30T15:30:00.000-07:00

I stay at home inside on my days off i do nothing. i dont want to do anything i want to be happy and im not i see people and i hate them, so much because they are so happy i envy them because they have what i want he ignored me totally today as usual i have to go to him how pathetic i didnt today i hate him for all that i do is for him. i need to stop this trying to be his friend trying to be anything i only realized that all along hes been using me how very upsetting to be used the worst of it i shouldve known better i feel like the character in a movie that gets left behind from someone like him and they never show them again and your thinking what happened to so and so's character only to realize that, that character didnt matter at all. i wish i could stop thinking and i only seem to think of the worst things possible always involving infedelity and i dont seem to understand why i make like connections that are pure coincidental atleast i hope they are and blow it out of proportion. i see things and i think did he do that because of that or so happen he just did that at the time that that so happen ya know? all confusing but i'll never know i just go on asking in my mind never getting answers because he despises me most at those moments. does anyone understand that his being is that of an angel his appearance pure innocence to the eye beautifully tragic that such an infinite being could be so heartless, towards me who would do anything just to make him happy. others dont see what i see in him they say he looks like an average guy nothing special and why should i worry about him if he cares nothing for me. i only tell certain friends things and they say just because hes beautiful doesnt mean he should treat you like dirt especially for all i do for him. they said he gots me right where he wants me like a book on a shelf. for me i suppose its not always his looks its just him i love him. but i kno i have to let go because its only going to get worse for me i know this for a fact so starting today i do for myself and my family not him because he never does for me doesnt mean i wont hang around him like i said i do love his presence even when he hurts me. moving on im wondering whats my plan in life. what am i going to do? i found my career but what about everything else? who am i? am i destined to be alone and like this forever? i hope not only i could change my path but how can change when all i know is this. wow very complicated i make life out to be only because it is, it truly is. my thoughts are scattered and i have that worried feeling because of something i saw where my paranoia side starts to emerge and i think...what am i suppose to do, i have noone to confide in so i keep it locked up inside waiting for someone to ask for the key.

Anyone in their Right Mind would Learn....

2009-09-28T14:16:00.000-07:00

the to be continues will have to be continued later i was hoping to have a happy blog today but i dont. First i realized he doesnt even listen to me he just ignores me a person i think most of ignores me taunts me is so beyond cruel hes pure evil,his words acidic. my heart hurts so much and he doesnt even care, my tears dont affect him he even made fun of me for crying. im sensitive when it comes to words from him cause he means so much to me. he use to be soo good to me so kind so perfect so beautiful or maybe he never was and i painted that portrait of him. i think of all the nice things he use to tell me and i cant believe he is the same person, today should be the final straw he didnt even apologize or anything he was mean to me for no reason i did nothing i try to do everything for him i even get in trouble for loving him so much and caring for him. but i take it because i think hes worth it but this is to much so much anguish too much pain. someone told me you do things for him that make you the perfect girl but your stupid because he does nothing for you and its true nothing its bad that i expect something but why else would i do so much? oh wait because i love him what an imbecile i am to think if i try if i try what? what am i to expect ? this is all my fault. you know what he told me so cold your gonna cook for me right? oh thats messed up. so your just gonna lay in bed all day and cry? you should go running or something instead of just laying around all day crying.... hes soo mean after everything i do nothing but this and i take it i accept this form of abuse. and still i fall i keep falling and i never seem to get up i hate my existence where all i have to look forward to is this. all because i cant move on i cant let go.i hurt so much and i just have to suck it up move forward cook his meal because i love him i do i want to make him happy and happiness starts at the stomach right? i know what your thinking this girl is crazy i am i really am but you know what i think is maybe he'll see one day and finally understand finally see. you know what else he says my eyes are ugly and majority of our population has my eyes little does he know mine have black lines surrounding my pupil he just doesnt look at them why cant he just compliment me?also he asked why are you here i told him i didnt want to be alone i left out that i like to be near him around him i dont know why cause hes always mean to me. well im off to clean and cook such a fool. what did i do? later on in the day i cleaned, cooked basically did as i was told i didnt lay in the bed anf fucking cry all day. i hate him so much right now he writes me only to bitch at me about something stupid after all that i did all of it was in vein all of it was nothing it didnt make him feel good at all that i did all this for him im just so tired and i dont know what to do its a cant live with cant live without thing, i just hate myself so much because i take it and i take it. im just all alone in this i get tired of being alone and thats all i am is alone and i hate it because i have no one. this is what i look forward to forever pleasing someone who treats me so awful that i blame myself and hate myself? is this it? when will it all end? the worst part is i do it to myself i care too much what a cruel fate i brought upon myself.

I Dont Want to get Old...

2009-09-27T22:04:00.000-07:00

i was at work and there was this customer she was so tiny and fragile looking i just wanted to hold her like she was a baby she was an elderly woman she said she was 92 and she was the sweetest lady ive ever met. she was talking about how she needs to stay healthy and how she has to do everything herself and as she was telling me this i was trying so hard not to cry cause she was all alone to be continued....

Anger Management Much?

2009-09-24T23:49:00.000-07:00

ive come to the realization that i get angry easily im talking hulk-like i cant help it i think everyone is secretly hulk-like angry though. i just tend to get angrier faster? i suppose. im just gonna move to a different topic right now i may go to the first one later but right now i found another thing to write about. i also find that i fear change i fear the thought of something different whether the environment im in or thinking of the environment of others people changing and its just human nature to change to evolve and i hate that i wish everything was the same as it was or better. thoughts change, feelings change but i seem to stay the same in those cases i think? not to everyone but to someone. do i want to change? or do i want to stay the same i wish it to stay the same but i dont want to be the only one to stay the same ya know? thats where my problem begins and it will never end. im just scared really really scared and i have no idea what to do. i hear from others their stories and situations that only brings more fears thoughts that make me more paranoid than before and i start thinking of impossible things well not IMpossible but not likely which causes me to seem insecure which i am. i have well enough reason to be insecure wont go into that but people telling me things doesnt really help my situation. thats when they say you have to trust and all that but in a world like this its really hard to trust anyone. Theres no love in your punches.

In the Right Direction? and also My Continuation...

2009-09-23T09:52:00.000-07:00

well school wasnt really for me atleast highschool i couldnt wait till it ended i hated it so much. i dont really want to write about it, its an annoying subject. well today i went to the college, i think im going to be ok at first i was nervous because im not smart and the counselor made me feel better about myself she said i ask questions and look determined i thought i did terrible in math she said you didnt do to bad and i exceeded the english and writing part so i felt good about myself finally someone has something good to say and i realized if i try i could really do this i mean i am truly determined. there is only one problem im such a late bloomer 22 yrs old and i cant go into the nursing program till 2011 which isnt bad i guess i just dont want to be 28 and a newbie which may happen. ive always said i may fail at things but i never give up remember how i hated school i couldve dropped out but i didnt i dreaded every single day but i never gave up. and im not giving up even if people make fun of me for going so late atleast im going which is fantastic compared to others who never went so you know what? im proud of myself even if no one is, because i never give up, i never put my flag up and surrender i keep on charging i kinda feel like the little engine that could. i was warned it is hard but if i try my very best ill ace it aim high is what i plan to do and this is life this determines my whole life thats how i see it if i fail im a failure i lose and i hate to lose. with enough determination i know i could do this and ace it to the maximum level. i hope.... well i do have to work today yay? money i suppose but bleh i need more energy im tired most of the time and i need to snap out of it so heres to waking up!

Is it Cold in Here?

2009-09-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

i was having an ok day work was fineit was funny there was these glitter filled sphere shaped item we sell and it had a hole in it and my dumb co worker squeezed it and got water on my shirt it was funny altho i didnt get my revenge. my story for the day not interesting to some but im not really interesting. he made fun of me for blogging saying no one even reads it, my feelings were hurt but he didnt seem to care as usual. why does he see the need to criticize what i like to do, he always makes fun of me hes so mean and i take it like an idiot i feel sad all he does is talk talk talk shit, its like its what hes good at and i dont want to lower to his pathetic level because i think im a little better than that i dont feel like talking about him anymore just a waste of time so annoying hearing his voice is enough to make me commit suicide. tomorrow i should go to the college but i got to go to work tomorrow at four so i should probably wake up early im thinking of going friday early like around 8ish? there are just reasons why i dont really want to go tomorrow the day after its just complicated maybe i should go then maybe not im going tomorrow. yep yep! someone told me i was a little late in going to school i waited 3 years the fact is, is that i hate school i never liked it, never interested me i dont really know how to explain it i cant really explain it now to be continued....

How Could it Get Any Worse?

2009-09-21T12:57:00.000-07:00

i do have the worst temper in the world it can trigger anytime with little things that it may think are big things or maybe its just building and shoots at the wrong moment. i hate him sometimes to the point of murder but i know that its wrong to kill ofcourse and i wont do it for the fact that its wrong? or wait its him thats my first reason why i wouldnt do it. that made me smile my own joke made me smile. how sad. but he just seems to ridicule me about the things i do or say i get tired of it and i explode into a what he oves to say "psycho" he makes me that way! i dont feel like speaking of him anymore now to a nicer yet scary subject i am going to the collge today yay? thank God for good friends my friend is going with me so i wont be completely alone i forgot what to really do exactly ill ask my friend when she picks me up im sure she'll know hopefully. i really dont want to do this having to be around people having to envy their appearance and their knowledge knowing that im not as smart as them, i wanted to take other classes such as psychology, sociology which i took in highschool but i liked it. because i want to diagnose my own problem is really why i took them i want to figure out what defines me and fix it. Waiting for my friend to pick me up ive been waiting for a while now my patience is growing thinner by the minute but i should be grateful that shes doin this for me. where is he? its raining not hard but enough to get wet if you stand outside for 5 minutes. i sometimes wonder what root my thoughts come from cause they make no sense to me and they sound insane!

Have You No Shame?

2009-09-20T12:50:00.000-07:00

i sometimes do things that i truly feel awful for. today is a perfect example my friend invited me to her church and all i was thinking was too much people and how uncomfortable i was, when that shouldn't matter at all but i couldn't help but think i gotta get out of here and it was anything to do with the sermon it was truly beautiful its just the fact that i was surrounded by complete strangers excluding my friends of course. why cant i praise from the comfort of my home? i just felt bad because the thoughts i had, i shouldn't care but i do. i wonder how i can cure that? is that even curable i could look it up but how would i word it? ummm "how can i cure my fear of being around an abundant amount of people?" i should try it but not right now ill keep it in mind at one point i felt like i was suffocating i thought i was gonna start hyperventilating because others joined our row causing me to sit next to a complete stranger all i could thing was where is the nearest exit. and i truly do feel awful for thinking of such a thing but i couldn't help it even when i tried not to think negative and focus on the sermon i couldn't fully snap out of it. there are things that i cannot control even though i should be able to. maybe it was because my lack of sleep? i couldn't really concentrate or maybe im just making excuses. whatever the deal.... i do apologize for the way i acted i feel terrible and ill probably get paid back for it which i truly hope not because i cant handle more stressed out situations.

Lets do this!

2009-09-19T12:04:00.000-07:00

i had no idea what to title this blog. i wont be able to write later, and im working till midnight so im saying lets do this because when it comes to work i gotta do this. Speaking of doing things, i need to get on track with my life and everything, for instance i got my financial aide so i now should probably go to the college and get everything set for january. i just keep putting it off due to the fact that i looathe going back! i hated school alot and i dont want to even want to really imagine going back but i know i have to or i wont make a difference in the lives of others and ill be nothing like ive been all along. My other fear is the thought of failing or disappointing people i couldnt live with myself knowing that im trying and trying and trying only to fail in the end and i know you wont fail if you try and dedicate yourself to succeed but what if im the exception what if after all my attempts to succeed i fail? theres just that doubt so i try really hard to think i can do it, they say its extremely hard but i tell them i can do it i can. i dont always believe that but when it comes down to it i hope that i can do it that i can succeed in the career that ive finally chosen. so now i gotta plan a date when i should go up there probably wednesday maybe monday i really dont want to go i really dont but i must or else ill keep delaying it and you never know something could go wrong with paper work, scheduling and financial aide. time seems like it lasts forever sometimes but for me in this instance it feels like theres just no time or too little time. well work is just two hours away so i must leave you astray. that was pretty lame i know but i dont know. farewell....

Speaking of the Past....And some Present.

2009-09-18T11:01:00.000-07:00

i went to Austin last weekend and had a mini vacation, went down there to visit my brother it was cool, when we go to Austin its like a home away from home thing.we dont really do anything go to the movies, rent some movies and you know what i love it,i love movies and i dont have to do things like party or drink to have fun. never really interested me im just chill boring i suppose to certain people. well anyways going to the subject of my interest i saw the movie H2 which is rob zombies second version of halloween, the horror movie based on michael myers a fictional psychopath serial killer, well on to my opinion on the movie. you know how way back in the day old school horror movies im talking black and white were the scariest ever well look at the movies of today more graphic, i guess more scary but its just crazy how much has changed. i dont know what im trying to say i just wanted to put that out there, well about H2 it was scary the effects in my opinion looked real it was extremely graphic when he would stab it sounded like he was hitting the bone, it was just scary because it looked so real, i kinda liked it but i wouldnt buy it because it scared me and made me uncomfortable. that was just a random thought that i felt like writing about. i remeber when all would be ok not perfect but ok and now its just nowhere and nothing i mean in my past posts i thought it was bad it just got worse. it seems it always gets worse, he soo cruel, heartless, and has no feelings what so ever i mean i ask a question he makes a huge deal about it its ridiculous i mean ofcourse im gonna get angry about it, but oh its non of your business and then he mocks me after all i do for the peice of shit he treats me like this like nothing i hate him today and damnit ill love him tomorrow i was talking to a friend and im ending all ties of kindness towards him because he cant even answer a damn question i mean come on? wtf? its not even that important then why is it hard to answer? i just dont understand i really dont but when he comes back im gonna tell him well idk yet really what i want to say or how to say it but its gonna be said, i dont know what to do hes insulting basically an asshole yeah an asshole and i dont know maybe i am "psycho" because only a "psycho" would take such treatment. i was once told why him? why are you so hung up on someone that gives you nothing absolutely nothing and i couldnt answer i couldnt figure it out myself i just do. i always thought he loked like he needed more love than what was given to him so idk i grew on this whole i could save him i see myself some stupid crazy fantasy and i above all should know better. i give advice on situations like these and i dont even follow it. what ties me to this nothingness that im attached to that i cant seem to pull away from i think i need a little help because this is just straight up unhealthy im not even happy being like this i dont like it im tired i feel like nothing so i do nothing i cant even help myself for crying out loud and that is my own fault i do admit. i dont know what to do with myself anymore i take everything to the heart, everything hurts when i get into stages of paranoia that i cant control i just keep thinking and thinking and how do you solve a problem that has to do with paranoia, insecurity, envy, and guilt. i feel guilt so i...i dont know maybe i...i thought i was special, different, something else. i realized im not i dont cause a pain in...anything. i dont matter i could leave for years come back and feel like i never left thats why i am what i am. it kinda sucks when you realize you have no one to talk to except for yourself needing advice on situations that no one in their right mind could possibly understand and if they do actually "understand" its probably going to be a psychiatrist that gets paid to listen i dont want that because... really? would anyone want that? i dont know what i want

Talk About Long Time and Defintiely No see

2009-09-17T10:38:00.000-07:00

Its been so long that i dont know where to start.... within the past what year maybe 2 i dont feel like figuring out the exact date ive been caught up in the nothingness thats in my life. im trying not to see clearer im trying to avoid the things i fear most, im trying to trust him even if he despises my very being. i love him... i do. and hes so far from my reach that i dont think i could hold on anymore just when i think im getting closer he pulls away, and my short temper and jealousy issues dont help i retaliate by fighting and if once he ever did love me its all passed now for i realize he tries to intentionally hurt me and my idiotic foolish heart breaks. i have to get over him i do it all for what for nothing,a friendship that doesnt exist... even thinking of moving on hurts my foolish heart i feel soo pathetic i could move on i choose not to,dont ask why i dont even know that answer. obsession they call it maybe because i did it all for him things i wouldnt do for anyone else and he doesnt even see. he never sees and how could i make him realize these things i cant if i do its "throwing it in his face" and i dont want that i just want appreciation,acknowledgment,love things like "hey im gonna chill and ditch my buddies for you." he use to do that things were soo much better i dont know how they just got worse. how do i rekindle our friendship? at one point i thought things were getting better only to realise its all over, i dont matter i dont mean anything, i dont exist in those green eyes of his. for instance, i know this may sound lame and pathetic which look at my whole blog it screams pathetic but i was texting him one time and he took forever to text me back then he would just stop and i was asking a question so i got very irritated and of course got angry well i know you think i over reacted well no i chill with him and guess what i see him texting his friends as soon as the fookin' thing goes off never ignoring, never taking long thats how i know he feels nothing he has no interest in me anymore. he use to be able to talk to me and yes i fucked up in many ways but everyone does once in awhile its just well theres no excuse but im trying to bring light back and he just turns it in to darkness without realizing it. why cant he come to me for problems, for issues, for anything? what a come back! for me already still hung over this, this being, those damn eyes.... well onto more things i start collge in january im going to be an registered nurse wow i never thought thats what i would do but then again i never really knew what i wanted to do there was when i was real young a farmer, then a taxi driver that was embarassing, veterinarian, then a psychiatrist, a computer tech now a nurse. hmmm maybe its because i cant help myself so ill help the babies and children. now its time to say goodbye to embrace another day of self loathing.

its been awhile

2008-03-21T11:47:00.000-07:00

since i last wrote alot has happened well not really but id like to think alot has happened because maybe it has and i just havent noticed.... i finally got "internet" so maybe ill be writing everyday from now yeah write after a few days ill forget all about this or something i dont know that happens with me alot i forget to write or maybe i just dont feel like it and i let it go all together no one actually reads this so isnt that enough to stop? to me blogs that are posted online is a call for attention i admit i want attention everyone does id like to think then there are times when id rather be left alone all my words equal confusion i know i never make sense i love to write in this thing cause i know no one will read it or atleast actually pay attention i look at different blogs but i never actually get into it like oh what does this person have to say today? they are so interesting i love it no im the opposite i dont care what anyone has to say unless its someone of value someone important to me im not looking for someone let them look for me even then ill pay little attention and eventually ill question their motives well thats all i have to say about today i guess

i always seem to fall

2007-05-23T05:33:00.000-07:00

i never get caught.... well i hated yesterday as i am starting to hate everyday today last day of skool and yet i managed to wake up late on the last fuckin' day i cant believe i over slept and even when i do i never over sleep where i am on the edge of being truly late it was horrible extremely horrible but moving on to yesterday i died again like i die everyday i cant handle how i feel i cant explain it to the person i feel it for in fear that they will not understand yet with that knowledge a change of the subject quickly leads me to belive that he truly doesnt care at all about me which is understandable of course why should i matter i am nothing and nothing is always somehting but in this case that something is nothing that makes no sense to anyone but me and even i truly dont fully understand it but yet i do... there are just things that he does that shows how much he secretly loathes me for things that i have no clue about and all i do is love do as i am told what a cruel fate i have led for myself...

its always over right before it all begins

2007-05-21T07:02:00.000-07:00

had that song in my head skool is almost out and i dont really care how ironic my dream has finally come true and i'm still not happy i wonder what could actually make me happy because i see i am never satisfied i dont know this weekend may have been the worst i have ever had when that person had nothing to say its bad enough that forget it.... well as i was saying my dog died i had her for 9 1/2 yrs and she died just like that from an attack by a stupid neighborhood dog i hated that day the most because i just htought of everyhting i could have done to save her i tried so hard but still she died and no one really cared well they did but not enough to save heri kinda deserved it for the past few months i have been a neglectful owner i hadnt really spent time with her

today is just today

2007-05-18T05:27:00.000-07:00

everyday is exactly the same... yesterday i went out with sh. and his bro to see spiderman 3 it was ok i guess i didnt really like it all that much but w/e it could have been better the only thing i liked was harry's character he was just so pathetic and weak and it was slightly adorable i had a nice time i just felt kinda alone it wasnt anyones fault i just felt as if i wasnt there thats all i am such a boring person sometimes i had no idea how t talk to his bro in fear of saying something stupid to him so i mostly stayed quiet and stuff i just thought of something a great idea me and his bro could go see 28 weeks later and sh. and sal can see the ex perfect i may try to do that tonight it depends on his bro and him plus i think i may have to go to work i am gonna try so hard to miss today and let my last day be tomorrow or at least tues. or w/e cause i have graduation to worry about and stuff so yeah what is going to happen today? well let me let fate decide i guess.... anyways lately i have been thinking of how i need to just let go of all the things that make me think and not the good thoughts the bad and paranoid thoughts that one shouldnt think about because it makes them even more miserable than they already are...

all i do...

2007-05-17T05:27:00.000-07:00

is think of you.... i was thinking about it so i wrote it...these damn tears just wont stop flowing i hate today i hate everyone i just want to go home i am trying to hold back useless tears but i cant help it i cant help but cry when my heart is breaking why should it be breaking? because of him only him i just need to go away to leave away from here cause i am only making him and myself even more miserable so maybe i should just leave he was just so mean to me it hurt my little heart and he didnt even care maybe i deserved it but still it hurt he doesnt even see how much pain he puts in me so i think i am just going to leave i have nothing here that needs me oh well

no one cares so why should you...

2007-05-16T05:31:00.000-07:00

its going to be awhile since i write in this but no one cares so why should i? its not like its actually read which is good right? if i wanted everyone to read this i would tell everyone about it and i dont so i guess i want this but i am not obligated to write in it everyday how nice seeing as i am the only one who actually reads it nice....
To Be Continued...

theres just nothing left

2007-05-11T05:40:00.001-07:00

theres nothing that i really wish to write about thats all...but i will put this song lyrics that seem to represent me at this time the highlights are me at this moment...
"Between Love & Hate" - The Strokes
Watched her as she wiped her eyes; You don't make me sorry. Now I know That you never listened - Listen. Thinking about that high school dance Worrying about the finals Yes I know You're feeling lonely Oh lonely, so lonely. Never needed anybody, I never needed anybody I never needed anybody, I never needed nobody Don't worry about it, honeyI never needed anybodyI never needed anybody, it won't change now. Am I wrong? Don't sing along with me. I said I was fine, It's just the second time We lost the war She'd be in the kitchen I would start the fire Those days are gone But you know I can't give up - Give up. P.S. if i may ask why When will they get tired We've stayed up All night tryin' - Tryin'. Never needed anybody, I never needed nobodyI never needed anybody, I never needed anybody Don't worry about it, honey I never needed anybody I never needed anybody, it won't change now. Am I wrong?Don't sing along with me.I said I was fine. The second timeWe lost the war...
there ya go me at this moment....

wwod

2007-05-10T05:31:00.000-07:00

well yesterday was almost a great except for when i was at work absolutely horrible i am going to quit because i am just miserable nothing i do is right over there so i just need to move on to something better or w/e i guess... i am now in 2nd and in a depressed state the bell is about to ring but i dont care right now in this moment i only care about forget it its so stupid i mean he doesnt even try to care its like he does it all in spite i hate that its so selfish but why should i care because i love him and i try so hard to make him happy and all i do is fail miserably like always so i give up i guess i give up i tried like always i try to make peace but only make things worse so why am i here?

i never seem to learn

2007-05-09T05:27:00.000-07:00

alot of things are going wrong right now and i am just starting to realize it that alot is crashing and i dont think the aftermath is going to be pleasant.... lately my blogs have been getting shorter and shortermostly because i am just tired of writng about the same thing cause the same thing goes on over and over again because i dont care about anything else but those things thats why to you it would be boring but to me its everything... forget it... today i have to go to wrok oh how i dread work i just dont want to work i just want to hang out with my posse

Cant seem to get this right...

2007-05-08T05:29:00.000-07:00

Like Salim Nourallah said "nothing ever goes right" ::random thought:: This morning i got to skool pretty early and i was glad for that although i only got to be alone for like 5 min. then V joined like always we were just talking like we do every morning we really dont talk about anything just random stuff i need someone i could actually talk to i am a great listener i would rather listen than talk sometimes cause when i talk no one gets it so i would rather listen than talk i guess i dont mind most of the time but sometimes i feel as if everyone sees me as a joke most of the time i am but there are times when i just want someone to see me to actually see behind this shield i hold up but no one ever does because no one even cares and i want someone to confide in me i wanted him to confide in me but i see it will go nowhere so i should stop trying i quit easily but i tried this time and like all others i failed yet again enough of this self loathing bullshit... today is hopefully going to be ok i really dont know what i am going to do well i know but will it all plan out the way i had it?
To be Continued...
i am in 5th period and a little annoyed as usual by dumb people lately i have been surrounded by dumb people

your just so amazingly cool cause someone wrote a song about you...

2007-05-07T05:32:00.000-07:00

well this weekend was not what i would call the best the only good thing about it actually was that i went to the bookstore and got some books isnt that exciting and yesterday was an extremely depressing day i didnt like yesterday at all i mean its not that i didnt get to go its just that he didnt even call right away like i didnt matter and its like he knows i'll get over it so theres no point i guess in upsetting me cause yeah he knows i'll always come back how pathetic at least he tried calling again although it hurt that he basically blew me off but he tried to make up for it by inviting me over i should have said yes but i have too much pride for that i would feel like a dog isnt it horrible how half of this is about nothing of no importance to anyone else but me and i feel like an idiot writing about him all the time so i am gonna move on...the thing is theres nothing to actually write about when forget it.... yesterday afternoon i was going to get a drink but then i thought what would that do it would just make me realize how alone i actually am so i got a take 5 and a green tea instead while i was there i saw the CVS dude who might i say is cute for some reason hes just so innocent and shy looking and everytime i see him i cant help but smile hes just so serene yet not and lately he looks more confident i wonder what woke him up? one day i'll talk to him yesterday like i was saying we were about to leave and he said "ms." and i felt like he said it to me cause i looked and he looked right at me but i didnt think he could possibly be talking to me so i walked off later on after i got home i was like was he talking to us it just agitated me cause i wondered was he trying to get my attention? oh well such a foolish fairy tale thought but still who was he talking to? now onto this morning i wasnt again in the social mood so i went to the library and talked to v i've been doing that alot lately well atleast in the mornings i guess i have been thinking alot lately about everything and i've realized i'm happy but not truly cause i cant explain why i just i dont know forget it... thats all....
To Be Continued...
now i'm in 2nd and i need help on yes the project that i have been working on forever but i cant get help because this technically isnt my class so yeah i'm basically in here just to chill which in my opinion was a mistake i should probably go back to class and do my other work but i stay why? oh well i was just thinking of how much time i waste doing nothing absolutely nothing thinking of how i have nothing to say etc and how everything i say doesnt matter to anyone i talk to will they think of my words when i'm gone? will they remember everything i told them? probably not but when i'm gone it wont even matter cause i wont know or maybe i just wont care... i think a little too much i wish i just had a one tract mind it would make me feel alot better... sarcasm is a curse placed on everyone at one point...
To be Continued...
i wonder what life would be like if there was no such thing as boring

i dont know how much of this i can handle....

2007-05-04T05:29:00.000-07:00

just promise me that you'll never leave me... well today is like all others bad yet tolerable i guess i think i give up i try so hard but now like all things i do i give up why now should i think anything could change nobody ever changes nothing changes why would i think that this time it would change but like everything i was wrong as always so i'll just let it go and deal with it if you love something set it free right? well this it i just wanted to be seen and i was looked through like 3 libras but thats life moving on... today i see it as a quiet day i am going to be more alone than usual i hate being alone because people look at you and think pathetic if i am going to be alone i want to be completely alone where no one knows i'm alone i hate for people to see my loneliness but today is just going to be a lonely day i feel as if i'm not here just a figment of everyones imagination something they made up to make them happy or keep them company i hate it sometimes i try so hard i tried so hard but i failed as usual such a low self esteem pathetic i'm out...
To Be Continued...
anyways i am now in 2nd period with a jerk who doesnt care about anybody but himself and his well being how nice right? anyways officially today is going to be a bad day i could already see it god i get angry so easy but shit i wonder why i cant believe i am even speaking to him so yeah maybe things are suppose to be this way i mean i've dealt with it this long i mean whats wrong with a little longer maybe i should just go away i dont know leave somewhere i wanted to but i cant leave the ones i love behind and thats where i cant be selfish where i wont let my feelings get in the way i am just so tired i really am i wonder whats next....
To Be Continued...
now i am in 5th i am suppose to be doing the rest of me project but i am gonna wait till she gets back for help well i am officially over it i always get over it i just wanted to be invited over too but i dont matter so w/e thats what made me upset the most is that, that one minor comment its like i dont know...

Never Needed Anybody

2007-05-03T05:36:00.000-07:00

i dont want to do it your way... from the strokes an awesome band if i say so myself when i first heard them i was like eh no but then i listened to the words and it was beautiful... Moving on to this morning i went to my usual place now the library but this time v wasnt there so i was just left alone awkward any? well like all things i must get used to it which is ok i guess... i am again thinking too much about things that hurt my heart i give up i always give up why try when in the end i'll only be hurting myself and ruining everything like i always do so i give up watch later on i'm going to be doing the thing that which i said i give up sometimes i just want it all to drown out i wish there was a lacuna inc. like in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind so i could erase my memories erase it all and be ok be happy or atleast be free i want to forget to start over to become more brave more confident more intelligent but how could i? i swear sometimes i can be a total hypocrit i cant believe i actually write in this thing there is so much more to be told but my trust isnt that easily given out it takes alot for me to fully explain things no one reads this anyway so basically i'm writing to myself like a diary for people to glance at if your like me you wont actually read this whole thing you'll skim through it and make your opinion about it and think pathetic and boring and thats ok cause you dont know the whole story these are just random thoughts that need to be let out... sometimes i just want to leave become a drifter just go away away from all this and find someone who loves me and only me i wont need anyone else i'll be happy till they get tired of me and throw me away how cruel life can be and how cruel humans are breaking hearts like nothing seeing tears come down cheeks and thinking weakness because they arent the ones heartbroken how i loathe them i despise that they dont care that they feel nothing it just breaks my heart thinking how selfish people are and knowing that i may be selfish but i would never do that just throw someone away forget it it wont make any sense to anyone but me....
To Be continued...
so i was in a loathing mood today which i am most of the time whats new nothing much just htinking of everything that doesnt matter but i love t make it matter stupid right? i dont really feel like writing this period so yeah i'm out.... well i lied i'm still in here i dont even know why i'm staying truth be told i am going to be in a bad mood today i already see it but why so? mostly because of thoughts i have been having i really need to wake up but man i am just so tired seriously i just want to go home i mean do you think if someone really cares they would try harder? or maybe its that they get tired of it and eventually they dont care which one could it be all these questions there really is no answer but i could try at least there can be numerous conclusions why they dont care they being him it could be that i mean nothing or is of atleast of no importance i could be viewed as everyone else just another person that will fade away from their memory and while they are thinking that i'm just left behind trying and always failing how pathetic why do i even waste my time is it because i care so much how can you show someone how much you care when they dont even really care i am suppose to be doing a project but i dont even know what to do right now i dont get it i just dont get it so whats the use its not like i am going to remember it in a year sometimes the things i need to remember i forget and the things i want to forget i remember how cruelly ironic but thats life i guess well i had to let those little things out they were buggin' me...
To Be Continued...
now i am in 5th in a slightly annoyed mood people can be so irritating but i am not in the mood to write right now so i will be back in a bit...

oh man i'm so tired of waiting waiting for you...

2007-05-02T05:31:00.000-07:00

i am now listening to mellowdrone my now and even forever favorite band and i'm happy for some reason they make me happy i always smile when i listen to them... moving on to yest. evening i was in a bad mood and it only got worse as the evening progressed bad things were just happening nothing went right for me that day until the night when all the problems were resolved but i was once asked if my heart was ever broken i said no what does it feel like? the response like it sounds, a horrible chest pain right where your heart is like its breaking its crushing inside you well i lied i've experienced it it hurts no doubt the pain is so unbearable that afterwards you cry well i atleast cry how pathetic yet not but i can say that yes i have experienced a pain awfully similar to that of supposed "heartbreak" my heart must break everytime i see oh forget it useless words for a ridiculous obsession sometimes i loathe myself for always wanting to talk about him i need to just get over but i know i wont so moving on to again yest. i wanted to know what he was gonna say but like all things the subject was changed but i did want to know and even now its bugging me but maybe its better if i not know but still theres always that curiousity and it will always be on my mind there are things i want to know about him but i fear that i may say the wrong response or that i may not completely understand it and look like a complete fool but i want to know what goes on in that beautiful mind of his and maybe one day i'll find out maybe he'll see me and see how much i truly care but whats the point of trying when i could fail miserably damn my heart and my mind for all the thoughts i have for all the rage i feel for all the things that make want to hate being around people i wish i could just improve myself but when i dont know and the sad thing is i should know right?

a song that i heard when i was younger and i felt it was like me it was me its by A perfect Circle
3 Libras
Threw you the obvious And you flew with it on your back A name in your recollection Down among a million, say: Difficult enough to feel a little bit Disappointed, passed over. When I've looked right through, To see you naked and obliviousand you don't see me Well I threw you the obvious, Just to see if there's more behind the Eyes of a fallen angel, Eyes of a tragedy. Here I am expecting just a little bit Too much from the wounded But I see, See through it all, See through, And see you. So I threw you the obvious Do you see what occurs behind the Eyes of a fallen angel Eyes of a tragedy Well, oh well.. Apparently nothing. Apparently nothing at all. You don't You don't You don't see me You don't You don't You don't see me You don't You don't You don't see me You don't You don't You don't see me at all....
a lovely song if i could say so myself its amazing how some songs i hear remind me of myself but to others it may just be another song i like to think of songs as a part of me like a trait or w/e its all confusing but hey i am a confusing person well the bell is gonna ring so i will leave it at that...
To Be Continued....

nothing ever goes right

2007-05-01T05:29:00.000-07:00

today is a tiring day i feel drained for some reason i didnt even stay up late yesterday my head hurts though so maybe thats whats doing it.... now on to yesterday evening i went to work then i went to my "friend's" house where he was with my sister and they were watching a movie i was definitely not going to watch it not my kind of movie i guess so i chilled w/ his bro noah it was his bday after all, all we did was talk which is a good thing it feels good to talk to someone else that is also well not alone but secluded? no thats not the word who is also tired of being around the "couple" so i joined him in his reclusive state i felt like i kinda just interrupted his state of mind i guess you could say but i thought hey nobody wants to be alone so i didnt feel bad after all it was interesting as all things are sometimes... now onto this morning i went to the library yet again and talked to v sometimes i think he's sad about what i dont know but he just looks so lost or something i dont know how to explain it but i find myself talking to him more going to him in the mornings because i dont feel like being around alot of people i guess i am still in my non social mood so i go to him and just talk to him or if hes not there then i'm alone and thats good cause get to think more yay! well the bell is gonna ring so i will contiue this convo later...
To be Continued...
moving on to something off subject completely i am very irritated and slightly depressed mostly because i feel as if today isnt going to be a good day everything is just going wrong for me lately and i hate it all i just want it all to go away cause i am getting so tired of it all the hate all the pain all the things that make me insane here i go... how could someone hate someone for reasons that they cant fully explain i was explained a little bit but i still just dont get it why hate him i love him why him? its not his fault...am i mostly to blame for this rage? i just want to clone myself to make me and everyone happy cause lately i am becoming more miserable w/ myself i make everyone happy but i'm not happy in the process then i am happy and in that process i hurt someone else i just cant handle it anymore and thats where it comes to tough decisions that i have to make and i hate that i hate to make hard decisions but i must and i dont know what to do i just want to go home and think cause its kinda hard to think right now and i dont want to have a breakdown in class and the worse part is i dont know who to talk to about this about this situation because i dont want to hurt anyone but dammit i need some help cause what if i do the wrong thing make the wrong choice then its all my fault and as usual i'm always the one to blame how cruel life can be sometimes... i wanted to talk to my "friend" but he cant come in cause the class was being "bad" or w/e so yeah now all class period i'm going to be alone and miserable and do nothing nice right no wrong it sucks so yes i am in a terrible mood and i do not wish to write more so goodbye....

weekends gotta love em'

2007-04-30T05:29:00.000-07:00

this weekend was almost fun well it was actually sunday was the most i went bowling yeah i know how whack the worst part was that i was horrible at it the highest score i got was i think a 56 or like a 65 one of them we (my sis and i) went with my "friend" and his brother who is totally different from him but in a good way and it was fun its just the day well afternoon went by so fast there wasnt realy enough time to hang out you know what let me start from the beginning starting with fri. worked as usual the only good thing was that my bro came into town...sat. we (me and my other friend ves) worked our asses off from 10:30 to 5:30 lets just say no breaks ok except for little sit downs well after work me and ves and my "friend" hung out just playing games at home nothing really huge it was a good day that day except for the constant work but thats ok cause i got to hang with my 2 special people together w/out any fight or nothing everything went well...now on sun. the morning wasnt so great there was arguing abit for things of no importance well we were suppose to call my "friends" bro early but i didnt know that so yeah we ended up basically wasting the day away until the afternoon just let me go on to my "friends" bro well he's different from anyone i know theres just something about him that makes me fowardly blunt and i'm not like that i felt so dumbfounded it wasnt even funny and me i am not really the "social" type i'm extremely awkward especially around guys seriously its bad so i basically kind of made a fool of myself trust me if you would have known what i said at the end then omg that was the worst i'm not good at all with asking people to hang out so here i go like a dumbass saying "hit me up on your next day off" how cheesy is that pretty cheesy horrible cheesy i felt like such a loser i think i even said it twice i just feel so embarrassed cause my actions are just hilarious in an innocent awkward way and i basically made a complete fool of myself but it was worth it i was kinda mad cause the day ended so fast and we didnt really have a chance to actually hang out but thats ok another time hopefully...i find myself seeing that my "friend" is actually becoming a best friend i am seeing myself putting so much trust in him telling him everything how i feel how i think basically my insanity and i dont know if i'm doing the right thing should i keep on like this should i open up to someone who i hardly know anything about i told him alot cause i dont know his eyes those damn eyes i just i dont know feel like he gets it yet not confusing right i just dont want to be alone there are very few people who i actually show my true self too and that my family my two best buds trace and ves and now my "friend" and his bro i have mentioned little of who i am, this this blog here isnt everything about me about who i am well not a 100 percent who knows all i could be writing could be lies but only i know the truth so no foul no harm its just i know no body i know actually reads this and thats ok with me its just something i could write what i think about on... weird actaully how i am so different yet the same well the bell is just about to ring so i will leave you...
To be Continued...
well this morning was a normal morning except i didnt hang w/ v cause i had to just had to tell ves. about yesterday and later on after that i made my "friends" bro a bday card how sweet cause today is his bday and i prolly sound like a girly girl how dense of me i know but i cant help it today i was extremly happy and everyone was asking why are you so happy of course i didnt tell them but hey who cares? i know why i am so happy but of course with every happy moment theres always a worry i can never be truly happy because again i think too much and now i'm thinking of something totally off subject and i'm starting to worry i mean i kinda believe in astrology and i just thought of one of the readings it said be aware of trusting someone they may not be what they seem or something and i am thinking just too much what am i doing today? absolutely nothing just working work work work oh well i ran out of things to write for today i have talked about all i wanted to so i will leave it at this....

Boredom is sweet, But it's more fun with you, I hate everybody...and you hate 'em too

2007-04-27T05:34:00.000-07:00

Mellowdrone my now and even forever favorite band....

My 1st love song (a lovely song) (in red favorite lyrics in the song)

I'll be the boy And you'll be my girly I'll write us a love song It'll tell us a story And you'll show it off To all of your friends And they'll all get jealous Or at least they'll pretend But I'm sorry to say... I'm not that clever I can't write words that'll last you forever So everyone, all gather 'round Watch me just sit here, Watch me crack down All just for you Just so you know It all falls apart Whenever you go Boredom is sweet, But it's more fun with you I hate everybody...and you hate 'em too So let's have a drink In fact make it two Because of lately, I'm becoming immune I did nothing wrong But it hurts anyway And for that I'm sorry, For that I'm sorry So everyone, all gather 'round Watch me just sit here, Watch me crack down All just for you Just so you know It all falls apart Whenever you go Whenever you go Whenever you go....

moving on to later on in the period yesterday well i was alone till he came along and i felt better i didnt feel alone anymore how pathetic and dependent i am on him sad really but i dont know i guess he puts a smile on my face everytime dammit i'm ranting again well thats all that happened i just got happy then later on i felt awful because of a dilemma a small one yet i dont know i just felt like i should've done more for him and i didnt and i just kept thinking about it all day about what i could've done if i would've just tried harder but then it wouldn't have been my place to try to make him stay although i always want him to stay he knows that i make it so obvious and now i feel i am sounding obsessive when i should know better than to be writing like this i guess i'll never learn why care for someone who doesnt really care about me? maybe he does yeah i know he does but then again i've been wrong before... i really need to find someone who loves me not anyone else but just me and someone who never gets bored cause i am an extremely boring person but i just need to move on and find someone new although its wrong cause i am doing it just to get over him how pathetic....

To Be Continued...

well i am now in 5th yet again not really talking to anyone cause i am not really in the "talking" mood right now so i am just sitting here thinking as usual i want to read but i dont think i could give it the full attention it deserves i mean i guess sometimes i want to be alone yet not so i could read or do something that expands my mind so i could become a more intelligent person yet i always find myself failing giving up i always give up because i always fail but i once heard from a misunderstood guy who is actually very interesting and is a good guy that i'm not stupid or i'm not slow i just take my time thats all... and i never really looked at my life like that i always thought i was a failure but then i thought hey i'm not dropping out i'm still here trying to graduate there has been time i've had my doubts where i wanted to quit but then i thought about the ones i care about most i dont want to disappoint them so i stayed and look at me i am finally graduating and it feels good cause this is the one thing i didnt give up on so maybe i should try more and take my time cause yeah maybe i'll accomplish it like i've accomplished graduating... now on to other things on my mind...i'm still trying to finish the project i have in this class i've done a little i just have to wait awhile till i get help i hate when i dont know what to do it makes me feel inferior to everyone elses intelligence and i hate that i hate to have to swallow my pride to ask for help it just gets to me i guess... class is almost over in about 10 min. and i'm waiting i'm just so tired i dont even want to go to work today cant wait till sunday though we're suppose to b going out but i dont know next time i write it will be monday so farewell for now....

End

Another Day Another Dollar?

2007-04-26T05:36:00.000-07:00

well yesterday later in the day noonish i went to work as always i may have dug a huge hole for myself that i cant get out of well i an but i fear the consequences i offered to work everyday except for sundays yay? well i wanted so hard to get my friend a job and i like a fool thought if i offered to work another day then for sure he would get it but it ended up where yes he probably got it but i dont know if it was because i was gonna work the extra day or because i just actually stood up and asked them so now i am going to work all the time the hours are good but now i dont know whats going to happen to me and what if he doesnt get the job then all i have done was in vain and i'm going to be tired everday i mean the only good thing is that my best friend one of them works with me so thats about it and she agreed to go with me on my offer so now they said well we wont need him on tues. since ya'll are gonna work so yeah thats the reason i did it so they wont be short of people and lookie what happened he's not even gonna work that day.... well moving on to this morning as you already know i'm not even in this class i just accomplished everything in my other one so i come in here and get online so thats what i'm doing right now well on to my previous subject about this morning i woke up early as usual and yet again i still managed to come to skool late i hate coming to skool late i like to be early because i dont want to be around too much people or have to go through them cause i get claustrophobic or w/e well hate to cut this short but the bell is gonna ring....
To be continued...
now i am in 5th and i am starting to loathe it mostly because myself but i dont know i think i worry a little too much on things that others would find ridiculous and i cant help it i'm a worrier and thats that but right now in class i am usually the social butterfly but here i find myself alone and i feel as if i'm all alone in this and i hate it i hate this moment right now and i just want to go home or not be here i feel as if everyone is against me when i know thats not true but i also find myself seperating from everyone and everything its like i want this but i dont i really dont want to be here in this moment i am suppose to be doing a project but i just dont want to not only that but i dont even know where to begin on it so i am just writing how i feel at this moment and to sum it up i feel isolated and desolate and i just dont want to be here i need someone to make me happy and obviously no ones here how depressing is reality and how pathetic i am j ust being here thinking too much about stuff that worries me and it hurts my heart i just want to go away in this moment just leave and crawl inside myself and sleep....
Later on in the period...

Learn then Leave

2007-04-25T05:33:00.004-07:00

Out of the blue i am going to talk about you.... how cheesy but w/e it just popped in my head so i thought i would write it i dont know i guess i like it... moving on yesterday i had a sudden awakening i guess to learn that somethings i shouldnt take seriously for example some one saying something repugnant but not meaning it as "serious" just joking around i would take it seriously but now i dont know i guess i am starting to catch myself and say hey he's just kidding he even says it too, like when i am about to get mad, "you cant get mad i was just kidding" also i know it when he has a grin on his face but still i guess i'll have to learn i was saying i'm just not going to take you seriously he was like no i'll stop joking around i replied with no its cool i think i know when your being serious and when your not i just have to look at your face or w/e well that all happened yesterday afternoon/evening.... so moving on to today i am in 1st just writing in you obviously, this morning i was in the library yet again just looking for something some one then v came and i chilled with him just talking about randon things like always and i was content as i am now well the bell is gonna ring so i will write later....
To be continued...
now i'm in 2nd doing nothing in an extremely foul mood today may not be a good day for me i kinda have a feeling for some reason i have realized something about myself i am a very jealous person i dont know if i wrote this before but if i did so what i am slightly annoyed with a hint of irratability well the reason why i am so jealous is because i dont know insecuruty? maybe its my lack of trust towards anyone i just know that if i see something i dont like then i will show it thats one thing i used to do is hide my emotions now i just dont care i mean if they care about me then why should i have to hide them right? oh well this is probably making no sense because i'm not thoroughly explaining my situaution but i dont care so yeah anyways on to more well less important things my computer keeps being a punk so i will write later during 5th
again to be continued...
now i'm in 5th and sometimes i wonder am i that obvious with how i feel about him its so complicated i feel vulnerable because of him i think he's mad at me again but i too am mad i shouldnt be but dammit i am and we will eventually get over it like always but i need to just let go and get over all of it all of this cuse i'm only hurting him and i never wanted to hurt him and not only that but i'm hurting myself the end

not in the usual "social" mood right now....

2007-04-24T05:36:00.000-07:00

this morning i decided to go to the library because i didnt really feel like being around anyone or hearing the loud noises of people so i secluded myself in the library cause everyone knows you have to be quiet in the library so i was perfect later on my friend sat with me shes so adorable i care for her alot cause shes similar to me but in a more creative beautiful way later on another friend v came by and he needed help with his english paper a conclusion mostly but i thought finally i'm needed so i jumped to the chance this being the guy i once had an infatuation for i didnt mind it cause we were friends and after all it was only a minor crush nothing where i love him he's just an attractive guy that i thought was oh you get it... but i dont know today is just a day where i want to be around certain people i guess no thats not the right word where i want to be reclusive but if someone decides to join me in it their welcome perfect thats it so yes... will i be like this all day? probably not it wont last i'll end up becoming the social butterfly again or maybe i'll end up just being quiet or looking as if i'm upset but i'm not i'm just i dont know thinking being withdrawn or w/e.... i find myself sitting here actually thinking looking down at my chipped nail polish that doesnt look noticeably chipped and i'm just thinking today is going to be a lonely day and i dont know why maybe because 2 of the people i care for arent here but 1 more is and that should be enough but i dont know i just feel as if today is going to be a lonely quiet day but then again i've been wrong before.... anyways i see as i'm waiting for some artistic part of me to bust out and explain everything i want to say and feel in theories or "philosophical" statements i in reality am "one dimensional" i guess i'm not smart or w/e or maybe i'm just not motivated enough....
To be continued...later on in the day....
well i wasnt exactly quiet like i thougth i would be maybe it was just a morning thing i dont know but i'm back or am i?nvm now anyways about my philosophical insights i wish to become more imaginative and i believe my studying different philosophers i will see different opinions on life, love, beauty, truth, hate etc. i'm not trying to copy their ideas but i just want to view their ideas and opinions and learn something new hear something that could change my view on life just i dont know how to explain it its kinda confusing but thats ok i guess i'm the only one who actually gets me so yeah.... anyways right now i am in my 5th period on here obvioulsy listening to what is now kc &jojo i know totally old skool but i dont care i love this song!

"Punch Drunk Love"

2007-04-23T05:36:00.000-07:00

sometimes i see events in my life like this movie there are things i wish no one would know embarrassing things but i think sometimes i dig my own grave maybe i should become a liar even to those i do trust because i dont think they really understand what i mean when i say certain things but then when i say them they dont really come out the way i want them too it sounds confusing of course because i am a very confusing person.... Sometimes i wish i could change who i am and how i am because i am so weak to think on an online blog that shows to almost everyone i'm over here writing how i actually feel...how pathetic.... things i wish to say to the ones i care about the things that i probably in a confusing way already told them i just wish that i could find someone who gets me and doesnt think me crazy or pitiful sometimes i think the people who "care" have to they just feel sorry for me they dont care because they love me they care because they have to or maybe i'm worng like i am so often maybe i am just feeling sorry for myself as i do most of the time here i go again with the truth telling everyone my "inner thoughts" but whos gonna read if no one cares about just another blog of someone who wants attention i want attention but not from you only from those that i love that i want they know who they are but they'll never read this because maybe i'll never show them or maybe they know i have this but they'll never read it cause i am of no importance to them how ironic i guess i'm getting paid back for all my sins.... I never said i was a saint but even saints once in their life have to become a sinner only to repent and become true saints maybe if i repent enough i could become something better not a saint but close to it....

i am now in 2nd bells gonna ring i'm not even in this class yet not till 5th but w/e i'm just bored right now since my "friend" is busy or w/e i swear he can be such a hypocrit sometimes but whatever i dont care when i do i know i know i know i too am a hypocrit but arent we all but i'm not that bad where i dont admit so yeah i am now going to get off till 5th cause the bell just rung

my poor "friend" i always get mad at him and he always forgives me is it because he has too? or does he really care i think he does sometimes but then there are times when i just dont know but yes the above writing was written out of anger that i had little reason to be mad at him but only i could understand the true reason why i get mad at him sometimes....he will never read this so thats ok i just want to say to him i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm done i seriously dont like saying sorry that easily especially when spoken but for him i'll do it w/out hesitation how pathetic lol.... thats the end of that....

we all want love we all need love... but what is love?

2007-04-20T12:05:00.000-07:00

love is for me extremely hard to explain i believe it to be that a person stays with one other person the rest of their lives and that person never gets tired of them never complains about being with them etc. basically unconditional love the love that can never be tempted or tainted with the beauty of sirens seeking to split something beautiful up.... but as i grow older i start to view love differently its rushed it fades slowly and in the end everyone ends up alone its extremely depressing or the person you love doesnt love you doesnt see you they only see the beauty in others and never in you never in me maybe because there is no beauty to see find someone who love you more i was always told yet what if the ones i love dont love me more will i be left behind heartbroken? i could say atleast i tried but did i try hard enough? the questions are never to be answered but they're always in my head how sad i think i think i a little too often and i care a little too much how pathetic i guess we all have to wait to find the true definition of love because for everyone its different....

another selfish day all over again....

2007-04-19T11:18:00.000-07:00

well like all things i was wrong he did "care" how dumb can i be some times well anyways what ami to do today oh thats right work all work and no play makes me an irritable girl i am so tired of working only two days off of the week maybe i just dont like working but then again who does?

Another failing attempt to get what i want....

2007-04-17T11:11:00.000-07:00

does that make any sense? the concert i wanted to go to i now cant because i have no ride i really wanted to go i wish i knew how to drive then maybe i could go even if i'm alone i would still be able to hear the beautiful music they play i love it i've only heard one song from the cinematics and already i love them does that make me weird? today we got to come to skool late i was grateful for that i'm so tired of skool thank god its my last year all the work i wish i could write more on how i feel but whats the point no one cares that may sound "emo" but its the truth no one cares and thats the reality of things i mean yes there are a few who actually try but in my time i've only met about 5 max. even then i could be wrong do they really care? Right now i am in a state of "solitude" the thing is i only have 2 people i truly want to be around (that arent related) when one of them are there i dont need anyone else i could go on forever with just them my family is automatic no doubt i always feel ok with them its just that i feel myself seperating from my group drifting away into beautiful oblivion with them just them and i hate how dependent i am on them yet with them i feel ok i feel complete.... when they leave my heart will break and like all things i love eventually they leave and i must set them free....

later in the day-
the bells gonna ring and i'm miserable i wanna be quiet i really dont want to be here seriously right now in this moment i am slightly annoyed w/ myself and another who obviously doesnt give a shit about me yet i stay and wait patiently for them to care an ounce of hope is shot down by an unsuspected other who i thought was him but was totally wrong why do i even try? i give up i just want to go home i'm so tired of all this

i only made this cause i'm bored

2007-04-16T05:51:00.000-07:00

my sister told me about this so i thought since i'm not really doing anything might as well write things that interest me w/e things that dont really matter but do weird i know but i am wierd or atleast i think i am.... but yes this is my first blog and i am already speaking so bluntly, i might actually start writing in this for a few weeks then i'll just stop like i stop everything funny yeah i know.... remember remember
http://www.livenation.com/event/getEvent/eventId/255011
I must go!
to this concert cause i love the cinematics and mutemath so my goal for the remainder 20 days is to find a ride to this concert i will go its my goal other than graduating on time....

Note to Self:
http://www.projectplaylist.com/
make playlist when can