time isnt on my side...or atleast it feels that way!

i just found out that me and some of my other co workers hours are being cut mine to 23 i do not like this because it means less money and no money doesnt make me happy not one bit, because i might have to pay for college out of pocket due to the fat that i still havent received my financial aide so in conclusion i might have to get a second job which i dont mind its just the fact that i have to look interview all that stuff. but really i dont know what to do i have no clue in fact when it comes to saving its a hard task. i feel like time is running out i only have like what 2 months possibly 1 because i want to apply early i just dont know. thats really all i got so far cant think of anything else at least not now.

idiot idiot idiot!!!!

do it once shame on you do it twice shame on me do it more more and more shame on both of us! you would think i would know better after all this time after all those times he doesnt even listen to me much less care and my idiotic mind cant face that reality im so tired i gotta do something about this about me i have to i need to i want to? now a days i dont know what i want maybe i never knew. what am i suppose to do wait? wait for what? for all of it to crash down and for there to be nothing left for me except solitude more then than now i suppose. how can someone pull away from someone so beautiful no one understands but me i suppose cause i know its wrong how i feel but hes so beautiful that i cant help myself i thrive off of him i feel like ive never felt before someone like him with his beauty would pay me mind i suppose i just dont see anyone more beautiful i cant see anyone all over hes that drug thats the worse to get over i could smoke, shoot him up everyday hes that alluring only to me i do have an addiction problem and like most drug users they die slowly everyday and still use. i really have no chance he was right about one thing hes gonna be the one to stop to let go not me im gonna go through withdrawals maybe possibly never let go. im so scared for that to happen i dont want it to but i know deep inside that it will all i have to do is enjoy it while i can, enjoy his presence his beauty. while slowly i die because the negativity he feels for me what a cruel fate for me what do you expect the outcome for a drug user. later that day... outcome is always the same im left standing in the rain im surprised i havent drowned yet i find myself thinking will i be happy years to come will i find another like him? i dont think so everyone i see doesnt measure up not even movie stars musicians they dont have anything on him. so what to do what to bloody do? i cant see straight i feel blinded by ecstasy blinded by the light at the end of the tunnel that i cant help but follow and they always say dont go to the light! change change change but none at all still the same havent changed at all what to do what to do what the hell to do!! blah blah blah blah that how i feel right now just blah blah blah blah!!!

liar

sometimes i want to just punch him so hard that he cant breathe he irritates me so. i dont even care not today. sometimes i see myself as a walking nothing a person who doesnt really know what to say or really has nothing to say i dont know which one i really am, lately i dont want to try i dont want to do anything i see myself wanting to live other peoples' lives i just look on the screen or in reality and wish i was them although i loathe them its only out of envy nothing more i cant seem to change myself my being i stay the same or get worse but never better. time isnt on my side yet again i dont make it on my side i could do a lot to make it better get off work at midnight fall straight to sleep wake up at 9ish eat a nutritional breakfast go for a run but whats holding me back? nothing. absolutely nothing. i just dont want to laziness i suppose im just so tired all the time i dont want to do anything at all i need sleeping pills to put me back on track because i stay up till like 2 or 3 every night and i wake up at noon it takes me like 3 hours to get ready for work so i have no time to go for a mid day exercising routine also i dont want to go alone but maybe it would be good to go alone to think listen to my favorite tunes just be with me its sad it seems that i dont even like my own company much less others. i never knew it would be like this everything would fall apart slowly what a shame.

Wasting My Time

im getting so tired and sicken by him im realizing how much of an asshole he really is hes soo fuckin mean its not even funny i hate him sometimes i really dont know what the hell i see in him he looks like an average guy to most but i dont know what it is about him. hes the opposite of my perfect guy yet i cant get away he does little things to irritate ma and it gets frustrating he likes to do it he loves to hurt me treat me badly i dont understand pure bloody evil what a waste of time he is yet i stay and wait. i need to forget him cause he is a major asshole like the worst type of person and sadly he knows it, he knows hes evil so why wont he change? because he likes it he likes how he is its sad very very sad. i could never be like him and he thinks hes different cause the music he listens to or the things he knows. now i may not know alot but its because i could care less right now i just dont care about really anything i care about him but he despises me and as i grow more to hate him i cant understand why i cant get away. what is it that pulls me towards him? sure enough its not him he could be hot and cold its hard to tell how he feels. today i despise his very existence why did he have to exist and hurt me so? why couldnt he exist to care about me as much as i care for him? i need to move on but first i need to change my whole being because my self esteem is so low that i hate to look in the mirror and when i do i hate myself even more he makes me feel ugly and ive come to the conclusion that i am ugly no beauty in my being. ive got a lot to change about myself, i need to change.

Why? What is Going on?

wow wow wow yesterday was very very strange like twilight zone strange he did a fookin 360 on me like he was nice and kind we were just chillin then he just turned all evil and extrmely malicious horrible it hurts my heart to think about it. i dont seem to understand why he just turned on me he ignored me i was extremely upset but he didnt seem to care i care more for him than anyone else and he does these things to me for no reason it was so strange how cruel he was i have never seen anything like it well i have but i usually do something to cause it but yesterday i did nothing to upset him and he just snapped insanely at me hurting me making me so angry that i seriously wanted to kill him but i love him so much that id rather just attempt to hit him im not really strong so i know he could take my hits but seriously that was totally unecessary to treat me that way. the strange thing is later on we got along fine he changed and everything was fine but he gets so moody it gets annoying hes fine then hes not he can do w/e he wants for example dont mess with his computer yet yesterday he got pissed and threw water that couldve damaged my laptop and he didnt seem to care now thats when i think maybe i am crazy for loving a being like this. why why why do i stay? i really need to move on but hes all i could see i ditched my friends just to be near him im such a fool.

Cant Seem to Get Away....

im so weak when it comes to him so very weak i fall everytime he needs me he wants me to do something ill do anything he wishes because i love him and im addicted to his everything. hes opened doors in me that i know shouldnt be opened but hes soo powerful so beautiful  that i have to give in i need to give in. he could make me so high then make me the lowest of low. i dont understand him, hes like a puzzle except none of the pieces fit together then when you change them to fit they change again confusing i know but thats how he is. also i feel as if i dont know him sometimes like hes completely someone else then hes sweet then bitter he has like a bipolar thing going on it seems but what do i do? nothing i suppose i just keep dreaming and i dont mind that even if hes not mine i can dream cant i? today i forgot all about today i did nothing on my day off later ill do some things but not important enough to talk about, the other day i had the worst dream ever so bad that i woke up crying, tears runny nose the whole crying bit, my memory started to fade after awhile so i dont completely remember but i do remember that i was with him and he was being very cruel to the point of making me wish i was dead some event happened i dont want to go into detail because i cant remember all of it then i was getting sent away and an animal came to me a wolf i think? and he said you dont have to be miserable ya know? you could be with me transform yourself and he was telling me how he was in the same situation as me, how he could turn back and forth human, wolf, all i had to do was let go, then i woke up. i remember that part perfect because i was thinking if i should just turn let go be free but then when i woke up i thought but id never see that face again id never see those damn eyes. that was a strange dream very, very strange. if i have some things of more importance then ill write about it but for now im off!

today today today?

i dont even know today is.... ive noticed that i baby people i cant help it i feel the need to help others well kinda it depends. ill get to the point later for now i gots to go!