Talk About Long Time and Defintiely No see

Its been so long that i dont know where to start.... within the past what year maybe 2 i dont feel like figuring out the exact date ive been caught up in the nothingness thats in my life. im trying not to see clearer im trying to avoid the things i fear most, im trying to trust him even if he despises my very being. i love him... i do. and hes so far from my reach that i dont think i could hold on anymore just when i think im getting closer he pulls away, and my short temper and jealousy issues dont help i retaliate by fighting and if once he ever did love me its all passed now for i realize he tries to intentionally hurt me and my idiotic foolish heart breaks. i have to get over him i do it all for what for nothing,a friendship that doesnt exist... even thinking of moving on hurts my foolish heart i feel soo pathetic i could move on i choose not to,dont ask why i dont even know that answer. obsession they call it maybe because i did it all for him things i wouldnt do for anyone else and he doesnt even see. he never sees and how could i make him realize these things i cant if i do its "throwing it in his face" and i dont want that i just want appreciation,acknowledgment,love things like "hey im gonna chill and ditch my buddies for you." he use to do that things were soo much better i dont know how they just got worse. how do i rekindle our friendship? at one point i thought things were getting better only to realise its all over, i dont matter i dont mean anything, i dont exist in those green eyes of his. for instance, i know this may sound lame and pathetic which look at my whole blog it screams pathetic but i was texting him one time and he took forever to text me back then he would just stop and i was asking a question so i got very irritated and of course got angry well i know you think i over reacted well no i chill with him and guess what i see him texting his friends as soon as the fookin' thing goes off never ignoring, never taking long thats how i know he feels nothing he has no interest in me anymore. he use to be able to talk to me and yes i fucked up in many ways but everyone does once in awhile its just well theres no excuse but im trying to bring light back and he just turns it in to darkness without realizing it. why cant he come to me for problems, for issues, for anything? what a come back! for me already still hung over this, this being, those damn eyes.... well onto more things i start collge in january im going to be an registered nurse wow i never thought thats what i would do but then again i never really knew what i wanted to do there was when i was real young a farmer, then a taxi driver that was embarassing, veterinarian, then a psychiatrist, a computer tech now a nurse. hmmm maybe its because i cant help myself so ill help the babies and children. now its time to say goodbye to embrace another day of self loathing.