Speaking of the Past....And some Present.

i went to Austin last weekend and had a mini vacation, went down there to visit my brother it was cool, when we go to Austin its like a home away from home thing.we dont really do anything go to the movies, rent some movies and you know what i love it,i love movies and i dont have to do things like party or drink to have fun. never really interested me im just chill boring i suppose to certain people. well anyways going to the subject of my interest i saw the movie H2 which is rob zombies second version of halloween, the horror movie based on michael myers a fictional psychopath serial killer, well on to my opinion on the movie. you know how way back in the day old school horror movies im talking black and white were the scariest ever well look at the movies of today more graphic, i guess more scary but its just crazy how much has changed. i dont know what im trying to say i just wanted to put that out there, well about H2 it was scary the effects in my opinion looked real it was extremely graphic when he would stab it sounded like he was hitting the bone, it was just scary because it looked so real, i kinda liked it but i wouldnt buy it because it scared me and made me uncomfortable. that was just a random thought that i felt like writing about. i remeber when all would be ok not perfect but ok and now its just nowhere and nothing i mean in my past posts i thought it was bad it just got worse. it seems it always gets worse, he soo cruel, heartless, and has no feelings what so ever i mean i ask a question he makes a huge deal about it its ridiculous i mean ofcourse im gonna get angry about it, but oh its non of your business and then he mocks me after all i do for the peice of shit he treats me like this like nothing i hate him today and damnit ill love him tomorrow i was talking to a friend and im ending all ties of kindness towards him because he cant even answer a damn question i mean come on? wtf? its not even that important then why is it hard to answer? i just dont understand i really dont but when he comes back im gonna tell him well idk yet really what i want to say or how to say it but its gonna be said, i dont know what to do hes insulting basically an asshole yeah an asshole and i dont know maybe i am "psycho" because only a "psycho" would take such treatment. i was once told why him? why are you so hung up on someone that gives you nothing absolutely nothing and i couldnt answer i couldnt figure it out myself i just do. i always thought he loked like he needed more love than what was given to him so idk i grew on this whole i could save him i see myself some stupid crazy fantasy and i above all should know better. i give advice on situations like these and i dont even follow it. what ties me to this nothingness that im attached to that i cant seem to pull away from i think i need a little help because this is just straight up unhealthy im not even happy being like this i dont like it im tired i feel like nothing so i do nothing i cant even help myself for crying out loud and that is my own fault i do admit. i dont know what to do with myself anymore i take everything to the heart, everything hurts when i get into stages of paranoia that i cant control i just keep thinking and thinking and how do you solve a problem that has to do with paranoia, insecurity, envy, and guilt. i feel guilt so i...i dont know maybe i...i thought i was special, different, something else. i realized im not i dont cause a pain in...anything. i dont matter i could leave for years come back and feel like i never left thats why i am what i am. it kinda sucks when you realize you have no one to talk to except for yourself needing advice on situations that no one in their right mind could possibly understand and if they do actually "understand" its probably going to be a psychiatrist that gets paid to listen i dont want that because... really? would anyone want that? i dont know what i want