Nothing Seems Real Anymore....

I stay at home inside on my days off i do nothing. i dont want to do anything i want to be happy and im not i see people and i hate them, so much because they are so happy i envy them because they have what i want he ignored me totally today as usual i have to go to him how pathetic i didnt today i hate him for all that i do is for him. i need to stop this trying to be his friend trying to be anything i only realized that all along hes been using me how very upsetting to be used the worst of it i shouldve known better i feel like the character in a movie that gets left behind from someone like him and they never show them again and your thinking what happened to so and so's character only to realize that, that character didnt matter at all. i wish i could stop thinking and i only seem to think of the worst things possible always involving infedelity and i dont seem to understand why i make like connections that are pure coincidental atleast i hope they are and blow it out of proportion. i see things and i think did he do that because of that or so happen he just did that at the time that that so happen ya know? all confusing but i'll never know i just go on asking in my mind never getting answers because he despises me most at those moments. does anyone understand that his being is that of an angel his appearance pure innocence to the eye beautifully tragic that such an infinite being could be so heartless, towards me who would do anything just to make him happy. others dont see what i see in him they say he looks like an average guy nothing special and why should i worry about him if he cares nothing for me. i only tell certain friends things and they say just because hes beautiful doesnt mean he should treat you like dirt especially for all i do for him. they said he gots me right where he wants me like a book on a shelf. for me i suppose its not always his looks its just him i love him. but i kno i have to let go because its only going to get worse for me i know this for a fact so starting today i do for myself and my family not him because he never does for me doesnt mean i wont hang around him like i said i do love his presence even when he hurts me. moving on im wondering whats my plan in life. what am i going to do? i found my career but what about everything else? who am i? am i destined to be alone and like this forever? i hope not only i could change my path but how can change when all i know is this. wow very complicated i make life out to be only because it is, it truly is. my thoughts are scattered and i have that worried feeling because of something i saw where my paranoia side starts to emerge and i think...what am i suppose to do, i have noone to confide in so i keep it locked up inside waiting for someone to ask for the key.