Nothing Seems Real Anymore....

I stay at home inside on my days off i do nothing. i dont want to do anything i want to be happy and im not i see people and i hate them, so much because they are so happy i envy them because they have what i want he ignored me totally today as usual i have to go to him how pathetic i didnt today i hate him for all that i do is for him. i need to stop this trying to be his friend trying to be anything i only realized that all along hes been using me how very upsetting to be used the worst of it i shouldve known better i feel like the character in a movie that gets left behind from someone like him and they never show them again and your thinking what happened to so and so's character only to realize that, that character didnt matter at all. i wish i could stop thinking and i only seem to think of the worst things possible always involving infedelity and i dont seem to understand why i make like connections that are pure coincidental atleast i hope they are and blow it out of proportion. i see things and i think did he do that because of that or so happen he just did that at the time that that so happen ya know? all confusing but i'll never know i just go on asking in my mind never getting answers because he despises me most at those moments. does anyone understand that his being is that of an angel his appearance pure innocence to the eye beautifully tragic that such an infinite being could be so heartless, towards me who would do anything just to make him happy. others dont see what i see in him they say he looks like an average guy nothing special and why should i worry about him if he cares nothing for me. i only tell certain friends things and they say just because hes beautiful doesnt mean he should treat you like dirt especially for all i do for him. they said he gots me right where he wants me like a book on a shelf. for me i suppose its not always his looks its just him i love him. but i kno i have to let go because its only going to get worse for me i know this for a fact so starting today i do for myself and my family not him because he never does for me doesnt mean i wont hang around him like i said i do love his presence even when he hurts me. moving on im wondering whats my plan in life. what am i going to do? i found my career but what about everything else? who am i? am i destined to be alone and like this forever? i hope not only i could change my path but how can change when all i know is this. wow very complicated i make life out to be only because it is, it truly is. my thoughts are scattered and i have that worried feeling because of something i saw where my paranoia side starts to emerge and i think...what am i suppose to do, i have noone to confide in so i keep it locked up inside waiting for someone to ask for the key.

Anyone in their Right Mind would Learn....

the to be continues will have to be continued later i was hoping to have a happy blog today but i dont. First i realized he doesnt even listen to me he just ignores me a person i think most of ignores me taunts me is so beyond cruel hes pure evil,his words acidic. my heart hurts so much and he doesnt even care, my tears dont affect him he even made fun of me for crying. im sensitive when it comes to words from him cause he means so much to me. he use to be soo good to me so kind so perfect so beautiful or maybe he never was and i painted that portrait of him. i think of all the nice things he use to tell me and i cant believe he is the same person, today should be the final straw he didnt even apologize or anything he was mean to me for no reason i did nothing i try to do everything for him i even get in trouble for loving him so much and caring for him. but i take it because i think hes worth it but this is to much so much anguish too much pain. someone told me you do things for him that make you the perfect girl but your stupid because he does nothing for you and its true nothing its bad that i expect something but why else would i do so much? oh wait because i love him what an imbecile i am to think if i try if i try what? what am i to expect ? this is all my fault. you know what he told me so cold your gonna cook for me right? oh thats messed up. so your just gonna lay in bed all day and cry? you should go running or something instead of just laying around all day crying.... hes soo mean after everything i do nothing but this and i take it i accept this form of abuse. and still i fall i keep falling and i never seem to get up i hate my existence where all i have to look forward to is this. all because i cant move on i cant let go.i hurt so much and i just have to suck it up move forward cook his meal because i love him i do i want to make him  happy and happiness starts at the stomach right? i know what your thinking this girl is crazy i am i really am but you know what i think is maybe he'll see one day and finally understand finally see. you know what else he says my eyes are ugly and majority of our population has my eyes little does he know mine have black lines surrounding my pupil he just doesnt look at them why cant he just compliment me?also he asked why are you here i told him i didnt want to be alone i left out that i like to be near him around him i dont know why cause hes always mean to me. well im off to clean and cook such a fool. what did i do? later on in the day i cleaned, cooked basically did as i was told i didnt lay in the bed anf fucking cry all day. i hate him so much right now he writes me only to bitch at me about something stupid after all that i did all of it was in vein all of it was nothing it didnt make him feel good at all that i did all this for him im just so tired and i dont know what to do its a cant live with cant live without thing, i just hate myself so much because i take it and i take it. im just all alone in this i get tired of being alone and thats all i am is alone and i hate it because i have no one. this is what i look forward to forever pleasing someone who treats me so awful that i blame myself and hate myself? is this it? when will it all end? the worst part is i do it to myself i care too much what a cruel fate i brought upon myself.

I Dont Want to get Old...

i was at work and there was this customer she was so tiny and fragile looking i just wanted to hold her like she was a baby she was an elderly woman she said she was 92 and she was the sweetest lady ive ever met. she was talking about how she needs to stay healthy and how she has to do everything herself and as she was telling me this i was trying so hard not to cry cause she was all alone to be continued....

Anger Management Much?

ive come to the realization that i get angry easily im talking hulk-like i cant help it i think everyone is secretly hulk-like angry though. i just tend to get angrier faster? i suppose. im just gonna move to a different topic right now i may go to the first one later but right now i found another thing to write about. i also find that i fear change i fear the thought of something different whether the environment im in or thinking of the environment of others people changing and its just human nature to change to evolve and i hate that i wish everything was the same as it was or better. thoughts change, feelings change but i seem to stay the same in those cases i think? not to everyone but to someone. do i want to change? or do i want to stay the same i wish it to stay the same but i dont want to be the only one to stay the same ya know? thats where my problem begins and it will never end. im just scared really really scared and i have no idea what to do. i hear from others their stories and situations that only brings more fears thoughts that make me more paranoid than before and i start thinking of impossible things well not IMpossible but not likely which causes me to seem insecure which i am. i have well enough reason to be insecure wont go into that but people telling me things doesnt really help my situation. thats when they say you have to trust and all that but in a world like this its really hard to trust anyone. Theres no love in your punches.

In the Right Direction? and also My Continuation...

well school wasnt really for me atleast highschool i couldnt wait till it ended i hated it so much. i dont really want to write about it, its an annoying subject. well today i went to the college, i think im going to be ok at first i was nervous because im not smart and the counselor made me feel better about myself she said i ask questions and look determined i thought i did terrible in math she said you didnt do to bad and i exceeded the english and writing part so i felt good about myself finally someone has something good to say and i realized if i try i could really do this i mean i am truly determined. there is only one problem im such a late bloomer 22 yrs old and i cant go into the nursing program till 2011 which isnt bad i guess i just dont want to be 28 and a newbie which may happen. ive always said i may fail at things but i never give up remember how i hated school i couldve dropped out but i didnt i dreaded every single day but i never gave up. and im not giving up even if people make fun of me for going so late atleast im going which is fantastic compared to others who never went so you know what? im proud of myself even if no one is, because i never give up, i never put my flag up and surrender i keep on charging i kinda feel like the little engine that could. i was warned it is hard but if i try my very best ill ace it aim high is what i plan to do and this is life this determines my whole life thats how i see it if i fail im a failure i lose and i hate to lose. with enough determination i know i could do this and ace it to the maximum level. i hope.... well i do have to work today yay? money i suppose but bleh i need more energy im tired most of the time and i need to snap out of it so heres to waking up!

Is it Cold in Here?

i was having an ok day work was fineit was funny there was these glitter filled sphere shaped item we sell and it had a hole in it and my dumb co worker squeezed it and got water on my shirt it was funny altho i didnt get my revenge. my story for the day not interesting to some but im not really interesting. he made fun of me for blogging saying no one even reads it, my feelings were hurt but he didnt seem to care as usual. why does he see the need to criticize what i like to do, he always makes fun of me hes so mean and i take it like an idiot i feel sad all he does is talk talk talk shit, its like its what hes good at and i dont want to lower to his pathetic level because i think im a little better than that i dont feel like talking about him anymore just a waste of time so annoying hearing his voice is enough to make me commit suicide. tomorrow i should go to the college but i got to go to work tomorrow at four so i should probably wake up early im thinking of going friday early like around 8ish? there are just reasons why i dont really want to go tomorrow the day after its just complicated maybe i should go then maybe not im going tomorrow. yep yep! someone told me i was a little late in going to school i waited 3 years the fact is, is that i hate school i never liked it, never interested me i dont really know how to explain it i cant really explain it now to be continued....

How Could it Get Any Worse?

i do have the worst temper in the world it can trigger anytime with little things that it may think are big things or maybe its just building and shoots at the wrong moment. i hate him sometimes to the point of murder but i know that its wrong to kill ofcourse and i wont do it for the fact that its wrong? or wait its him thats my first reason why i wouldnt do it. that made me smile my own joke made me smile. how sad. but he just seems to ridicule me about the things i do or say i get tired of it and i explode into a what he oves to say "psycho" he makes me that way! i dont feel like speaking of him anymore now to a nicer yet scary subject i am going to the collge today yay? thank God for good friends my friend is going with me so i wont be completely alone i forgot what to really do exactly ill ask my friend when she picks me up im sure she'll know hopefully. i really dont want to do this having to be around people having to envy their appearance and their knowledge knowing that im not as smart as them, i wanted to take other classes such as psychology, sociology which i took in highschool but i liked it. because i want to diagnose my own problem is really why i took them i want to figure out what defines me and fix it. Waiting for my friend to pick me up ive been waiting for a while now my patience is growing thinner by the minute but i should be grateful that shes doin this for me. where is he? its raining not hard but enough to get wet if you stand outside for 5 minutes. i sometimes wonder what root my thoughts come from cause they make no sense to me and they sound insane!

Have You No Shame?

i sometimes do things that i truly feel awful for. today is a perfect example my friend invited me to her church and all i was thinking was too much people and how uncomfortable i was, when that shouldn't matter at all but i couldn't help but think i gotta get out of here and it was anything to do with the sermon it was truly beautiful its just the fact that i was surrounded by complete strangers excluding my friends of course. why cant i praise from  the comfort of my home? i just felt bad because the thoughts i had, i shouldn't care but i do. i wonder how i can cure that? is that even curable i could look it up but how would i word it? ummm "how can i cure my fear of being around an abundant amount of people?" i should try it but not right now ill keep it in mind at one point i felt like i was suffocating i thought i was gonna start hyperventilating because others joined our row causing me to sit next to a complete stranger all i could thing was where is the nearest exit. and i truly do feel awful for thinking of such a thing but i couldn't help it even when i tried not to think negative and focus on the sermon i couldn't fully snap out of it. there are things that i cannot control even though i should be able to. maybe it was because my lack of sleep? i couldn't really concentrate or maybe im just making excuses. whatever the deal.... i do apologize for the way i acted i feel terrible and ill probably get paid back for it which i truly hope not because i cant handle more stressed out situations.

Lets do this!

i had no idea what to title this blog. i wont be able to write later, and im working till midnight so im saying lets do this because when it comes to work i gotta do this. Speaking of doing things, i need to get on track with my life and everything, for instance i got my financial aide so i now should probably go to the college and get everything set for january. i just keep putting it off due to the fact that i looathe going back! i hated school alot and i dont want to even want to really imagine going back but i know i have to or i wont make a difference in the lives of others and ill be nothing like ive been all along. My other fear is the thought of failing or disappointing people i couldnt live with myself knowing that im trying and trying and trying only to fail in the end and i know you wont fail if you try and dedicate yourself to succeed but what if im the exception what if after all my attempts to succeed i fail? theres just that doubt so i try really hard to think i can do it, they say its extremely hard but i tell them i can do it i can. i dont always believe that but when it comes down to it i hope that i can do it that i can succeed in the career that ive finally chosen. so now i gotta plan a date when i should go up there probably wednesday maybe monday i really dont want to go i really dont but i must or else ill keep delaying it and you never know something could go wrong with paper work, scheduling and financial aide. time seems like it lasts forever sometimes but for me in this instance it feels like theres just no time or too little time. well work is just two hours away so i must leave you astray. that was pretty lame i know but i dont know. farewell....

Speaking of the Past....And some Present.

i went to Austin last weekend and had a mini vacation, went down there to visit my brother it was cool, when we go to Austin its like a home away from home thing.we dont really do anything go to the movies, rent some movies and you know what i love it,i love movies and i dont have to do things like party or drink to have fun. never really interested me im just chill boring i suppose to certain people. well anyways going to the subject of my interest i saw the movie H2 which is rob zombies second version of halloween, the horror movie based on michael myers a fictional psychopath serial killer, well on to my opinion on the movie. you know how way back in the day old school horror movies im talking black and white were the scariest ever well look at the movies of today more graphic, i guess more scary but its just crazy how much has changed. i dont know what im trying to say i just wanted to put that out there, well about H2 it was scary the effects in my opinion looked real it was extremely graphic when he would stab it sounded like he was hitting the bone, it was just scary because it looked so real, i kinda liked it but i wouldnt buy it because it scared me and made me uncomfortable. that was just a random thought that i felt like writing about. i remeber when all would be ok not perfect but ok and now its just nowhere and nothing i mean in my past posts i thought it was bad it just got worse. it seems it always gets worse, he soo cruel, heartless, and has no feelings what so ever i mean i ask a question he makes a huge deal about it its ridiculous i mean ofcourse im gonna get angry about it, but oh its non of your business and then he mocks me after all i do for the peice of shit he treats me like this like nothing i hate him today and damnit ill love him tomorrow i was talking to a friend and im ending all ties of kindness towards him because he cant even answer a damn question i mean come on? wtf? its not even that important then why is it hard to answer? i just dont understand i really dont but when he comes back im gonna tell him well idk yet really what i want to say or how to say it but its gonna be said, i dont know what to do hes insulting basically an asshole yeah an asshole and i dont know maybe i am "psycho" because only a "psycho" would take such treatment. i was once told why him? why are you so hung up on someone that gives you nothing absolutely nothing and i couldnt answer i couldnt figure it out myself i just do. i always thought he loked like he needed more love than what was given to him so idk i grew on this whole i could save him i see myself some stupid crazy fantasy and i above all should know better. i give advice on situations like these and i dont even follow it. what ties me to this nothingness that im attached to that i cant seem to pull away from i think i need a little help because this is just straight up unhealthy im not even happy being like this i dont like it im tired i feel like nothing so i do nothing i cant even help myself for crying out loud and that is my own fault i do admit. i dont know what to do with myself anymore i take everything to the heart, everything hurts when i get into stages of paranoia that i cant control i just keep thinking and thinking and how do you solve a problem that has to do with paranoia, insecurity, envy, and guilt. i feel guilt so i...i dont know maybe i...i thought i was special, different, something else. i realized im not i dont cause a pain in...anything. i dont matter i could leave for years come back and feel like i never left thats why i am what i am. it kinda sucks when you realize you have no one to talk to except for yourself needing advice on situations that no one in their right mind could possibly understand and if they do actually "understand" its probably going to be a psychiatrist that gets paid to listen i dont want that because... really? would anyone want that? i dont know what i want

Talk About Long Time and Defintiely No see

Its been so long that i dont know where to start.... within the past what year maybe 2 i dont feel like figuring out the exact date ive been caught up in the nothingness thats in my life. im trying not to see clearer im trying to avoid the things i fear most, im trying to trust him even if he despises my very being. i love him... i do. and hes so far from my reach that i dont think i could hold on anymore just when i think im getting closer he pulls away, and my short temper and jealousy issues dont help i retaliate by fighting and if once he ever did love me its all passed now for i realize he tries to intentionally hurt me and my idiotic foolish heart breaks. i have to get over him i do it all for what for nothing,a friendship that doesnt exist... even thinking of moving on hurts my foolish heart i feel soo pathetic i could move on i choose not to,dont ask why i dont even know that answer. obsession they call it maybe because i did it all for him things i wouldnt do for anyone else and he doesnt even see. he never sees and how could i make him realize these things i cant if i do its "throwing it in his face" and i dont want that i just want appreciation,acknowledgment,love things like "hey im gonna chill and ditch my buddies for you." he use to do that things were soo much better i dont know how they just got worse. how do i rekindle our friendship? at one point i thought things were getting better only to realise its all over, i dont matter i dont mean anything, i dont exist in those green eyes of his. for instance, i know this may sound lame and pathetic which look at my whole blog it screams pathetic but i was texting him one time and he took forever to text me back then he would just stop and i was asking a question so i got very irritated and of course got angry well i know you think i over reacted well no i chill with him and guess what i see him texting his friends as soon as the fookin' thing goes off never ignoring, never taking long thats how i know he feels nothing he has no interest in me anymore. he use to be able to talk to me and yes i fucked up in many ways but everyone does once in awhile its just well theres no excuse but im trying to bring light back and he just turns it in to darkness without realizing it. why cant he come to me for problems, for issues, for anything? what a come back! for me already still hung over this, this being, those damn eyes.... well onto more things i start collge in january im going to be an registered nurse wow i never thought thats what i would do but then again i never really knew what i wanted to do there was when i was real young a farmer, then a taxi driver that was embarassing, veterinarian, then a psychiatrist, a computer tech now a nurse. hmmm maybe its because i cant help myself so ill help the babies and children. now its time to say goodbye to embrace another day of self loathing.