i always seem to fall

i never get caught.... well i hated yesterday as i am starting to hate everyday today last day of skool and yet i managed to wake up late on the last fuckin' day i cant believe i over slept and even when i do i never over sleep where i am on the edge of being truly late it was horrible extremely horrible but moving on to yesterday i died again like i die everyday i cant handle how i feel i cant explain it to the person i feel it for in fear that they will not understand yet with that knowledge a change of the subject quickly leads me to belive that he truly doesnt care at all about me which is understandable of course why should i matter i am nothing and nothing is always somehting but in this case that something is nothing that makes no sense to anyone but me and even i truly dont fully understand it but yet i do... there are just things that he does that shows how much he secretly loathes me for things that i have no clue about and all i do is love do as i am told what a cruel fate i have led for myself...

its always over right before it all begins

had that song in my head skool is almost out and i dont really care how ironic my dream has finally come true and i'm still not happy i wonder what could actually make me happy because i see i am never satisfied i dont know this weekend may have been the worst i have ever had when that person had nothing to say its bad enough that forget it.... well as i was saying my dog died i had her for 9 1/2 yrs and she died just like that from an attack by a stupid neighborhood dog i hated that day the most because i just htought of everyhting i could have done to save her i tried so hard but still she died and no one really cared well they did but not enough to save heri kinda deserved it for the past few months i have been a neglectful owner i hadnt really spent time with her

today is just today

everyday is exactly the same... yesterday i went out with sh. and his bro to see spiderman 3 it was ok i guess i didnt really like it all that much but w/e it could have been better the only thing i liked was harry's character he was just so pathetic and weak and it was slightly adorable i had a nice time i just felt kinda alone it wasnt anyones fault i just felt as if i wasnt there thats all i am such a boring person sometimes i had no idea how t talk to his bro in fear of saying something stupid to him so i mostly stayed quiet and stuff i just thought of something a great idea me and his bro could go see 28 weeks later and sh. and sal can see the ex perfect i may try to do that tonight it depends on his bro and him plus i think i may have to go to work i am gonna try so hard to miss today and let my last day be tomorrow or at least tues. or w/e cause i have graduation to worry about and stuff so yeah what is going to happen today? well let me let fate decide i guess.... anyways lately i have been thinking of how i need to just let go of all the things that make me think and not the good thoughts the bad and paranoid thoughts that one shouldnt think about because it makes them even more miserable than they already are...

all i do...

is think of you.... i was thinking about it so i wrote it...these damn tears just wont stop flowing i hate today i hate everyone i just want to go home i am trying to hold back useless tears but i cant help it i cant help but cry when my heart is breaking why should it be breaking? because of him only him i just need to go away to leave away from here cause i am only making him and myself even more miserable so maybe i should just leave he was just so mean to me it hurt my little heart and he didnt even care maybe i deserved it but still it hurt he doesnt even see how much pain he puts in me so i think i am just going to leave i have nothing here that needs me oh well

no one cares so why should you...

its going to be awhile since i write in this but no one cares so why should i? its not like its actually read which is good right? if i wanted everyone to read this i would tell everyone about it and i dont so i guess i want this but i am not obligated to write in it everyday how nice seeing as i am the only one who actually reads it nice....
To Be Continued...

theres just nothing left

theres nothing that i really wish to write about thats all...but i will put this song lyrics that seem to represent me at this time the highlights are me at this moment...
"Between Love & Hate" - The Strokes
Watched her as she wiped her eyes; You don't make me sorry. Now I know That you never listened - Listen. Thinking about that high school dance Worrying about the finals Yes I know You're feeling lonely Oh lonely, so lonely. Never needed anybody, I never needed anybody I never needed anybody, I never needed nobody Don't worry about it, honeyI never needed anybodyI never needed anybody, it won't change now. Am I wrong? Don't sing along with me. I said I was fine, It's just the second time We lost the war She'd be in the kitchen I would start the fire Those days are gone But you know I can't give up - Give up. P.S. if i may ask why When will they get tired We've stayed up All night tryin' - Tryin'. Never needed anybody, I never needed nobodyI never needed anybody, I never needed anybody Don't worry about it, honey I never needed anybody I never needed anybody, it won't change now. Am I wrong?Don't sing along with me.I said I was fine. The second timeWe lost the war...
there ya go me at this moment....

wwod

well yesterday was almost a great except for when i was at work absolutely horrible i am going to quit because i am just miserable nothing i do is right over there so i just need to move on to something better or w/e i guess... i am now in 2nd and in a depressed state the bell is about to ring but i dont care right now in this moment i only care about forget it its so stupid i mean he doesnt even try to care its like he does it all in spite i hate that its so selfish but why should i care because i love him and i try so hard to make him happy and all i do is fail miserably like always so i give up i guess i give up i tried like always i try to make peace but only make things worse so why am i here?

i never seem to learn

alot of things are going wrong right now and i am just starting to realize it that alot is crashing and i dont think the aftermath is going to be pleasant.... lately my blogs have been getting shorter and shortermostly because i am just tired of writng about the same thing cause the same thing goes on over and over again because i dont care about anything else but those things thats why to you it would be boring but to me its everything... forget it... today i have to go to wrok oh how i dread work i just dont want to work i just want to hang out with my posse

Cant seem to get this right...

Like Salim Nourallah said "nothing ever goes right" ::random thought:: This morning i got to skool pretty early and i was glad for that although i only got to be alone for like 5 min. then V joined like always we were just talking like we do every morning we really dont talk about anything just random stuff i need someone i could actually talk to i am a great listener i would rather listen than talk sometimes cause when i talk no one gets it so i would rather listen than talk i guess i dont mind most of the time but sometimes i feel as if everyone sees me as a joke most of the time i am but there are times when i just want someone to see me to actually see behind this shield i hold up but no one ever does because no one even cares and i want someone to confide in me i wanted him to confide in me but i see it will go nowhere so i should stop trying i quit easily but i tried this time and like all others i failed yet again enough of this self loathing bullshit... today is hopefully going to be ok i really dont know what i am going to do well i know but will it all plan out the way i had it?
To be Continued...
i am in 5th period and a little annoyed as usual by dumb people lately i have been surrounded by dumb people

your just so amazingly cool cause someone wrote a song about you...

well this weekend was not what i would call the best the only good thing about it actually was that i went to the bookstore and got some books isnt that exciting and yesterday was an extremely depressing day i didnt like yesterday at all i mean its not that i didnt get to go its just that he didnt even call right away like i didnt matter and its like he knows i'll get over it so theres no point i guess in upsetting me cause yeah he knows i'll always come back how pathetic at least he tried calling again although it hurt that he basically blew me off but he tried to make up for it by inviting me over i should have said yes but i have too much pride for that i would feel like a dog isnt it horrible how half of this is about nothing of no importance to anyone else but me and i feel like an idiot writing about him all the time so i am gonna move on...the thing is theres nothing to actually write about when forget it.... yesterday afternoon i was going to get a drink but then i thought what would that do it would just make me realize how alone i actually am so i got a take 5 and a green tea instead while i was there i saw the CVS dude who might i say is cute for some reason hes just so innocent and shy looking and everytime i see him i cant help but smile hes just so serene yet not and lately he looks more confident i wonder what woke him up? one day i'll talk to him yesterday like i was saying we were about to leave and he said "ms." and i felt like he said it to me cause i looked and he looked right at me but i didnt think he could possibly be talking to me so i walked off later on after i got home i was like was he talking to us it just agitated me cause i wondered was he trying to get my attention? oh well such a foolish fairy tale thought but still who was he talking to? now onto this morning i wasnt again in the social mood so i went to the library and talked to v i've been doing that alot lately well atleast in the mornings i guess i have been thinking alot lately about everything and i've realized i'm happy but not truly cause i cant explain why i just i dont know forget it... thats all....
To Be Continued...
now i'm in 2nd and i need help on yes the project that i have been working on forever but i cant get help because this technically isnt my class so yeah i'm basically in here just to chill which in my opinion was a mistake i should probably go back to class and do my other work but i stay why? oh well i was just thinking of how much time i waste doing nothing absolutely nothing thinking of how i have nothing to say etc and how everything i say doesnt matter to anyone i talk to will they think of my words when i'm gone? will they remember everything i told them? probably not but when i'm gone it wont even matter cause i wont know or maybe i just wont care... i think a little too much i wish i just had a one tract mind it would make me feel alot better... sarcasm is a curse placed on everyone at one point...
To be Continued...
i wonder what life would be like if there was no such thing as boring

i dont know how much of this i can handle....

just promise me that you'll never leave me... well today is like all others bad yet tolerable i guess i think i give up i try so hard but now like all things i do i give up why now should i think anything could change nobody ever changes nothing changes why would i think that this time it would change but like everything i was wrong as always so i'll just let it go and deal with it if you love something set it free right? well this it i just wanted to be seen and i was looked through like 3 libras but thats life moving on... today i see it as a quiet day i am going to be more alone than usual i hate being alone because people look at you and think pathetic if i am going to be alone i want to be completely alone where no one knows i'm alone i hate for people to see my loneliness but today is just going to be a lonely day i feel as if i'm not here just a figment of everyones imagination something they made up to make them happy or keep them company i hate it sometimes i try so hard i tried so hard but i failed as usual such a low self esteem pathetic i'm out...
To Be Continued...
anyways i am now in 2nd period with a jerk who doesnt care about anybody but himself and his well being how nice right? anyways officially today is going to be a bad day i could already see it god i get angry so easy but shit i wonder why i cant believe i am even speaking to him so yeah maybe things are suppose to be this way i mean i've dealt with it this long i mean whats wrong with a little longer maybe i should just go away i dont know leave somewhere i wanted to but i cant leave the ones i love behind and thats where i cant be selfish where i wont let my feelings get in the way i am just so tired i really am i wonder whats next....
To Be Continued...
now i am in 5th i am suppose to be doing the rest of me project but i am gonna wait till she gets back for help well i am officially over it i always get over it i just wanted to be invited over too but i dont matter so w/e thats what made me upset the most is that, that one minor comment its like i dont know...

Never Needed Anybody

i dont want to do it your way... from the strokes an awesome band if i say so myself when i first heard them i was like eh no but then i listened to the words and it was beautiful... Moving on to this morning i went to my usual place now the library but this time v wasnt there so i was just left alone awkward any? well like all things i must get used to it which is ok i guess... i am again thinking too much about things that hurt my heart i give up i always give up why try when in the end i'll only be hurting myself and ruining everything like i always do so i give up watch later on i'm going to be doing the thing that which i said i give up sometimes i just want it all to drown out i wish there was a lacuna inc. like in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind so i could erase my memories erase it all and be ok be happy or atleast be free i want to forget to start over to become more brave more confident more intelligent but how could i? i swear sometimes i can be a total hypocrit i cant believe i actually write in this thing there is so much more to be told but my trust isnt that easily given out it takes alot for me to fully explain things no one reads this anyway so basically i'm writing to myself like a diary for people to glance at if your like me you wont actually read this whole thing you'll skim through it and make your opinion about it and think pathetic and boring and thats ok cause you dont know the whole story these are just random thoughts that need to be let out... sometimes i just want to leave become a drifter just go away away from all this and find someone who loves me and only me i wont need anyone else i'll be happy till they get tired of me and throw me away how cruel life can be and how cruel humans are breaking hearts like nothing seeing tears come down cheeks and thinking weakness because they arent the ones heartbroken how i loathe them i despise that they dont care that they feel nothing it just breaks my heart thinking how selfish people are and knowing that i may be selfish but i would never do that just throw someone away forget it it wont make any sense to anyone but me....
To Be continued...
so i was in a loathing mood today which i am most of the time whats new nothing much just htinking of everything that doesnt matter but i love t make it matter stupid right? i dont really feel like writing this period so yeah i'm out.... well i lied i'm still in here i dont even know why i'm staying truth be told i am going to be in a bad mood today i already see it but why so? mostly because of thoughts i have been having i really need to wake up but man i am just so tired seriously i just want to go home i mean do you think if someone really cares they would try harder? or maybe its that they get tired of it and eventually they dont care which one could it be all these questions there really is no answer but i could try at least there can be numerous conclusions why they dont care they being him it could be that i mean nothing or is of atleast of no importance i could be viewed as everyone else just another person that will fade away from their memory and while they are thinking that i'm just left behind trying and always failing how pathetic why do i even waste my time is it because i care so much how can you show someone how much you care when they dont even really care i am suppose to be doing a project but i dont even know what to do right now i dont get it i just dont get it so whats the use its not like i am going to remember it in a year sometimes the things i need to remember i forget and the things i want to forget i remember how cruelly ironic but thats life i guess well i had to let those little things out they were buggin' me...
To Be Continued...
now i am in 5th in a slightly annoyed mood people can be so irritating but i am not in the mood to write right now so i will be back in a bit...

oh man i'm so tired of waiting waiting for you...

i am now listening to mellowdrone my now and even forever favorite band and i'm happy for some reason they make me happy i always smile when i listen to them... moving on to yest. evening i was in a bad mood and it only got worse as the evening progressed bad things were just happening nothing went right for me that day until the night when all the problems were resolved but i was once asked if my heart was ever broken i said no what does it feel like? the response like it sounds, a horrible chest pain right where your heart is like its breaking its crushing inside you well i lied i've experienced it it hurts no doubt the pain is so unbearable that afterwards you cry well i atleast cry how pathetic yet not but i can say that yes i have experienced a pain awfully similar to that of supposed "heartbreak" my heart must break everytime i see oh forget it useless words for a ridiculous obsession sometimes i loathe myself for always wanting to talk about him i need to just get over but i know i wont so moving on to again yest. i wanted to know what he was gonna say but like all things the subject was changed but i did want to know and even now its bugging me but maybe its better if i not know but still theres always that curiousity and it will always be on my mind there are things i want to know about him but i fear that i may say the wrong response or that i may not completely understand it and look like a complete fool but i want to know what goes on in that beautiful mind of his and maybe one day i'll find out maybe he'll see me and see how much i truly care but whats the point of trying when i could fail miserably damn my heart and my mind for all the thoughts i have for all the rage i feel for all the things that make want to hate being around people i wish i could just improve myself but when i dont know and the sad thing is i should know right?

a song that i heard when i was younger and i felt it was like me it was me its by A perfect Circle
3 Libras
Threw you the obvious And you flew with it on your back A name in your recollection Down among a million, say: Difficult enough to feel a little bit Disappointed, passed over. When I've looked right through, To see you naked and obliviousand you don't see me Well I threw you the obvious, Just to see if there's more behind the Eyes of a fallen angel, Eyes of a tragedy. Here I am expecting just a little bit Too much from the wounded But I see, See through it all, See through, And see you. So I threw you the obvious Do you see what occurs behind the Eyes of a fallen angel Eyes of a tragedy Well, oh well.. Apparently nothing. Apparently nothing at all. You don't You don't You don't see me You don't You don't You don't see me You don't You don't You don't see me You don't You don't You don't see me at all....
a lovely song if i could say so myself its amazing how some songs i hear remind me of myself but to others it may just be another song i like to think of songs as a part of me like a trait or w/e its all confusing but hey i am a confusing person well the bell is gonna ring so i will leave it at that...
To Be Continued....

nothing ever goes right

today is a tiring day i feel drained for some reason i didnt even stay up late yesterday my head hurts though so maybe thats whats doing it.... now on to yesterday evening i went to work then i went to my "friend's" house where he was with my sister and they were watching a movie i was definitely not going to watch it not my kind of movie i guess so i chilled w/ his bro noah it was his bday after all, all we did was talk which is a good thing it feels good to talk to someone else that is also well not alone but secluded? no thats not the word who is also tired of being around the "couple" so i joined him in his reclusive state i felt like i kinda just interrupted his state of mind i guess you could say but i thought hey nobody wants to be alone so i didnt feel bad after all it was interesting as all things are sometimes... now onto this morning i went to the library yet again and talked to v sometimes i think he's sad about what i dont know but he just looks so lost or something i dont know how to explain it but i find myself talking to him more going to him in the mornings because i dont feel like being around alot of people i guess i am still in my non social mood so i go to him and just talk to him or if hes not there then i'm alone and thats good cause get to think more yay! well the bell is gonna ring so i will contiue this convo later...
To be Continued...
moving on to something off subject completely i am very irritated and slightly depressed mostly because i feel as if today isnt going to be a good day everything is just going wrong for me lately and i hate it all i just want it all to go away cause i am getting so tired of it all the hate all the pain all the things that make me insane here i go... how could someone hate someone for reasons that they cant fully explain i was explained a little bit but i still just dont get it why hate him i love him why him? its not his fault...am i mostly to blame for this rage? i just want to clone myself to make me and everyone happy cause lately i am becoming more miserable w/ myself i make everyone happy but i'm not happy in the process then i am happy and in that process i hurt someone else i just cant handle it anymore and thats where it comes to tough decisions that i have to make and i hate that i hate to make hard decisions but i must and i dont know what to do i just want to go home and think cause its kinda hard to think right now and i dont want to have a breakdown in class and the worse part is i dont know who to talk to about this about this situation because i dont want to hurt anyone but dammit i need some help cause what if i do the wrong thing make the wrong choice then its all my fault and as usual i'm always the one to blame how cruel life can be sometimes... i wanted to talk to my "friend" but he cant come in cause the class was being "bad" or w/e so yeah now all class period i'm going to be alone and miserable and do nothing nice right no wrong it sucks so yes i am in a terrible mood and i do not wish to write more so goodbye....