weekends gotta love em'

this weekend was almost fun well it was actually sunday was the most i went bowling yeah i know how whack the worst part was that i was horrible at it the highest score i got was i think a 56 or like a 65 one of them we (my sis and i) went with my "friend" and his brother who is totally different from him but in a good way and it was fun its just the day well afternoon went by so fast there wasnt realy enough time to hang out you know what let me start from the beginning starting with fri. worked as usual the only good thing was that my bro came into town...sat. we (me and my other friend ves) worked our asses off from 10:30 to 5:30 lets just say no breaks ok except for little sit downs well after work me and ves and my "friend" hung out just playing games at home nothing really huge it was a good day that day except for the constant work but thats ok cause i got to hang with my 2 special people together w/out any fight or nothing everything went well...now on sun. the morning wasnt so great there was arguing abit for things of no importance well we were suppose to call my "friends" bro early but i didnt know that so yeah we ended up basically wasting the day away until the afternoon just let me go on to my "friends" bro well he's different from anyone i know theres just something about him that makes me fowardly blunt and i'm not like that i felt so dumbfounded it wasnt even funny and me i am not really the "social" type i'm extremely awkward especially around guys seriously its bad so i basically kind of made a fool of myself trust me if you would have known what i said at the end then omg that was the worst i'm not good at all with asking people to hang out so here i go like a dumbass saying "hit me up on your next day off" how cheesy is that pretty cheesy horrible cheesy i felt like such a loser i think i even said it twice i just feel so embarrassed cause my actions are just hilarious in an innocent awkward way and i basically made a complete fool of myself but it was worth it i was kinda mad cause the day ended so fast and we didnt really have a chance to actually hang out but thats ok another time hopefully...i find myself seeing that my "friend" is actually becoming a best friend i am seeing myself putting so much trust in him telling him everything how i feel how i think basically my insanity and i dont know if i'm doing the right thing should i keep on like this should i open up to someone who i hardly know anything about i told him alot cause i dont know his eyes those damn eyes i just i dont know feel like he gets it yet not confusing right i just dont want to be alone there are very few people who i actually show my true self too and that my family my two best buds trace and ves and now my "friend" and his bro i have mentioned little of who i am, this this blog here isnt everything about me about who i am well not a 100 percent who knows all i could be writing could be lies but only i know the truth so no foul no harm its just i know no body i know actually reads this and thats ok with me its just something i could write what i think about on... weird actaully how i am so different yet the same well the bell is just about to ring so i will leave you...
To be Continued...
well this morning was a normal morning except i didnt hang w/ v cause i had to just had to tell ves. about yesterday and later on after that i made my "friends" bro a bday card how sweet cause today is his bday and i prolly sound like a girly girl how dense of me i know but i cant help it today i was extremly happy and everyone was asking why are you so happy of course i didnt tell them but hey who cares? i know why i am so happy but of course with every happy moment theres always a worry i can never be truly happy because again i think too much and now i'm thinking of something totally off subject and i'm starting to worry i mean i kinda believe in astrology and i just thought of one of the readings it said be aware of trusting someone they may not be what they seem or something and i am thinking just too much what am i doing today? absolutely nothing just working work work work oh well i ran out of things to write for today i have talked about all i wanted to so i will leave it at this....

Boredom is sweet, But it's more fun with you, I hate everybody...and you hate 'em too

Mellowdrone my now and even forever favorite band....

My 1st love song (a lovely song) (in red favorite lyrics in the song)

I'll be the boy And you'll be my girly I'll write us a love song It'll tell us a story And you'll show it off To all of your friends And they'll all get jealous Or at least they'll pretend But I'm sorry to say... I'm not that clever I can't write words that'll last you forever So everyone, all gather 'round Watch me just sit here, Watch me crack down All just for you Just so you know It all falls apart Whenever you go Boredom is sweet, But it's more fun with you I hate everybody...and you hate 'em too So let's have a drink In fact make it two Because of lately, I'm becoming immune I did nothing wrong But it hurts anyway And for that I'm sorry, For that I'm sorry So everyone, all gather 'round Watch me just sit here, Watch me crack down All just for you Just so you know It all falls apart Whenever you go Whenever you go Whenever you go....

moving on to later on in the period yesterday well i was alone till he came along and i felt better i didnt feel alone anymore how pathetic and dependent i am on him sad really but i dont know i guess he puts a smile on my face everytime dammit i'm ranting again well thats all that happened i just got happy then later on i felt awful because of a dilemma a small one yet i dont know i just felt like i should've done more for him and i didnt and i just kept thinking about it all day about what i could've done if i would've just tried harder but then it wouldn't have been my place to try to make him stay although i always want him to stay he knows that i make it so obvious and now i feel i am sounding obsessive when i should know better than to be writing like this i guess i'll never learn why care for someone who doesnt really care about me? maybe he does yeah i know he does but then again i've been wrong before... i really need to find someone who loves me not anyone else but just me and someone who never gets bored cause i am an extremely boring person but i just need to move on and find someone new although its wrong cause i am doing it just to get over him how pathetic....

To Be Continued...

well i am now in 5th yet again not really talking to anyone cause i am not really in the "talking" mood right now so i am just sitting here thinking as usual i want to read but i dont think i could give it the full attention it deserves i mean i guess sometimes i want to be alone yet not so i could read or do something that expands my mind so i could become a more intelligent person yet i always find myself failing giving up i always give up because i always fail but i once heard from a misunderstood guy who is actually very interesting and is a good guy that i'm not stupid or i'm not slow i just take my time thats all... and i never really looked at my life like that i always thought i was a failure but then i thought hey i'm not dropping out i'm still here trying to graduate there has been time i've had my doubts where i wanted to quit but then i thought about the ones i care about most i dont want to disappoint them so i stayed and look at me i am finally graduating and it feels good cause this is the one thing i didnt give up on so maybe i should try more and take my time cause yeah maybe i'll accomplish it like i've accomplished graduating... now on to other things on my mind...i'm still trying to finish the project i have in this class i've done a little i just have to wait awhile till i get help i hate when i dont know what to do it makes me feel inferior to everyone elses intelligence and i hate that i hate to have to swallow my pride to ask for help it just gets to me i guess... class is almost over in about 10 min. and i'm waiting i'm just so tired i dont even want to go to work today cant wait till sunday though we're suppose to b going out but i dont know next time i write it will be monday so farewell for now....

End

Another Day Another Dollar?

well yesterday later in the day noonish i went to work as always i may have dug a huge hole for myself that i cant get out of well i an but i fear the consequences i offered to work everyday except for sundays yay? well i wanted so hard to get my friend a job and i like a fool thought if i offered to work another day then for sure he would get it but it ended up where yes he probably got it but i dont know if it was because i was gonna work the extra day or because i just actually stood up and asked them so now i am going to work all the time the hours are good but now i dont know whats going to happen to me and what if he doesnt get the job then all i have done was in vain and i'm going to be tired everday i mean the only good thing is that my best friend one of them works with me so thats about it and she agreed to go with me on my offer so now they said well we wont need him on tues. since ya'll are gonna work so yeah thats the reason i did it so they wont be short of people and lookie what happened he's not even gonna work that day.... well moving on to this morning as you already know i'm not even in this class i just accomplished everything in my other one so i come in here and get online so thats what i'm doing right now well on to my previous subject about this morning i woke up early as usual and yet again i still managed to come to skool late i hate coming to skool late i like to be early because i dont want to be around too much people or have to go through them cause i get claustrophobic or w/e well hate to cut this short but the bell is gonna ring....
To be continued...
now i am in 5th and i am starting to loathe it mostly because myself but i dont know i think i worry a little too much on things that others would find ridiculous and i cant help it i'm a worrier and thats that but right now in class i am usually the social butterfly but here i find myself alone and i feel as if i'm all alone in this and i hate it i hate this moment right now and i just want to go home or not be here i feel as if everyone is against me when i know thats not true but i also find myself seperating from everyone and everything its like i want this but i dont i really dont want to be here in this moment i am suppose to be doing a project but i just dont want to not only that but i dont even know where to begin on it so i am just writing how i feel at this moment and to sum it up i feel isolated and desolate and i just dont want to be here i need someone to make me happy and obviously no ones here how depressing is reality and how pathetic i am j ust being here thinking too much about stuff that worries me and it hurts my heart i just want to go away in this moment just leave and crawl inside myself and sleep....
Later on in the period...

Learn then Leave

Out of the blue i am going to talk about you.... how cheesy but w/e it just popped in my head so i thought i would write it i dont know i guess i like it... moving on yesterday i had a sudden awakening i guess to learn that somethings i shouldnt take seriously for example some one saying something repugnant but not meaning it as "serious" just joking around i would take it seriously but now i dont know i guess i am starting to catch myself and say hey he's just kidding he even says it too, like when i am about to get mad, "you cant get mad i was just kidding" also i know it when he has a grin on his face but still i guess i'll have to learn i was saying i'm just not going to take you seriously he was like no i'll stop joking around i replied with no its cool i think i know when your being serious and when your not i just have to look at your face or w/e well that all happened yesterday afternoon/evening.... so moving on to today i am in 1st just writing in you obviously, this morning i was in the library yet again just looking for something some one then v came and i chilled with him just talking about randon things like always and i was content as i am now well the bell is gonna ring so i will write later....
To be continued...
now i'm in 2nd doing nothing in an extremely foul mood today may not be a good day for me i kinda have a feeling for some reason i have realized something about myself i am a very jealous person i dont know if i wrote this before but if i did so what i am slightly annoyed with a hint of irratability well the reason why i am so jealous is because i dont know insecuruty? maybe its my lack of trust towards anyone i just know that if i see something i dont like then i will show it thats one thing i used to do is hide my emotions now i just dont care i mean if they care about me then why should i have to hide them right? oh well this is probably making no sense because i'm not thoroughly explaining my situaution but i dont care so yeah anyways on to more well less important things my computer keeps being a punk so i will write later during 5th
again to be continued...
now i'm in 5th and sometimes i wonder am i that obvious with how i feel about him its so complicated i feel vulnerable because of him i think he's mad at me again but i too am mad i shouldnt be but dammit i am and we will eventually get over it like always but i need to just let go and get over all of it all of this cuse i'm only hurting him and i never wanted to hurt him and not only that but i'm hurting myself the end

not in the usual "social" mood right now....

this morning i decided to go to the library because i didnt really feel like being around anyone or hearing the loud noises of people so i secluded myself in the library cause everyone knows you have to be quiet in the library so i was perfect later on my friend sat with me shes so adorable i care for her alot cause shes similar to me but in a more creative beautiful way later on another friend v came by and he needed help with his english paper a conclusion mostly but i thought finally i'm needed so i jumped to the chance this being the guy i once had an infatuation for i didnt mind it cause we were friends and after all it was only a minor crush nothing where i love him he's just an attractive guy that i thought was oh you get it... but i dont know today is just a day where i want to be around certain people i guess no thats not the right word where i want to be reclusive but if someone decides to join me in it their welcome perfect thats it so yes... will i be like this all day? probably not it wont last i'll end up becoming the social butterfly again or maybe i'll end up just being quiet or looking as if i'm upset but i'm not i'm just i dont know thinking being withdrawn or w/e.... i find myself sitting here actually thinking looking down at my chipped nail polish that doesnt look noticeably chipped and i'm just thinking today is going to be a lonely day and i dont know why maybe because 2 of the people i care for arent here but 1 more is and that should be enough but i dont know i just feel as if today is going to be a lonely quiet day but then again i've been wrong before.... anyways i see as i'm waiting for some artistic part of me to bust out and explain everything i want to say and feel in theories or "philosophical" statements i in reality am "one dimensional" i guess i'm not smart or w/e or maybe i'm just not motivated enough....
To be continued...later on in the day....
well i wasnt exactly quiet like i thougth i would be maybe it was just a morning thing i dont know but i'm back or am i?nvm now anyways about my philosophical insights i wish to become more imaginative and i believe my studying different philosophers i will see different opinions on life, love, beauty, truth, hate etc. i'm not trying to copy their ideas but i just want to view their ideas and opinions and learn something new hear something that could change my view on life just i dont know how to explain it its kinda confusing but thats ok i guess i'm the only one who actually gets me so yeah.... anyways right now i am in my 5th period on here obvioulsy listening to what is now kc &jojo i know totally old skool but i dont care i love this song!

"Punch Drunk Love"

sometimes i see events in my life like this movie there are things i wish no one would know embarrassing things but i think sometimes i dig my own grave maybe i should become a liar even to those i do trust because i dont think they really understand what i mean when i say certain things but then when i say them they dont really come out the way i want them too it sounds confusing of course because i am a very confusing person.... Sometimes i wish i could change who i am and how i am because i am so weak to think on an online blog that shows to almost everyone i'm over here writing how i actually feel...how pathetic.... things i wish to say to the ones i care about the things that i probably in a confusing way already told them i just wish that i could find someone who gets me and doesnt think me crazy or pitiful sometimes i think the people who "care" have to they just feel sorry for me they dont care because they love me they care because they have to or maybe i'm worng like i am so often maybe i am just feeling sorry for myself as i do most of the time here i go again with the truth telling everyone my "inner thoughts" but whos gonna read if no one cares about just another blog of someone who wants attention i want attention but not from you only from those that i love that i want they know who they are but they'll never read this because maybe i'll never show them or maybe they know i have this but they'll never read it cause i am of no importance to them how ironic i guess i'm getting paid back for all my sins.... I never said i was a saint but even saints once in their life have to become a sinner only to repent and become true saints maybe if i repent enough i could become something better not a saint but close to it....

i am now in 2nd bells gonna ring i'm not even in this class yet not till 5th but w/e i'm just bored right now since my "friend" is busy or w/e i swear he can be such a hypocrit sometimes but whatever i dont care when i do i know i know i know i too am a hypocrit but arent we all but i'm not that bad where i dont admit so yeah i am now going to get off till 5th cause the bell just rung

my poor "friend" i always get mad at him and he always forgives me is it because he has too? or does he really care i think he does sometimes but then there are times when i just dont know but yes the above writing was written out of anger that i had little reason to be mad at him but only i could understand the true reason why i get mad at him sometimes....he will never read this so thats ok i just want to say to him i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm done i seriously dont like saying sorry that easily especially when spoken but for him i'll do it w/out hesitation how pathetic lol.... thats the end of that....

we all want love we all need love... but what is love?

love is for me extremely hard to explain i believe it to be that a person stays with one other person the rest of their lives and that person never gets tired of them never complains about being with them etc. basically unconditional love the love that can never be tempted or tainted with the beauty of sirens seeking to split something beautiful up.... but as i grow older i start to view love differently its rushed it fades slowly and in the end everyone ends up alone its extremely depressing or the person you love doesnt love you doesnt see you they only see the beauty in others and never in you never in me maybe because there is no beauty to see find someone who love you more i was always told yet what if the ones i love dont love me more will i be left behind heartbroken? i could say atleast i tried but did i try hard enough? the questions are never to be answered but they're always in my head how sad i think i think i a little too often and i care a little too much how pathetic i guess we all have to wait to find the true definition of love because for everyone its different....

another selfish day all over again....

well like all things i was wrong he did "care" how dumb can i be some times well anyways what ami to do today oh thats right work all work and no play makes me an irritable girl i am so tired of working only two days off of the week maybe i just dont like working but then again who does?

Another failing attempt to get what i want....

does that make any sense? the concert i wanted to go to i now cant because i have no ride i really wanted to go i wish i knew how to drive then maybe i could go even if i'm alone i would still be able to hear the beautiful music they play i love it i've only heard one song from the cinematics and already i love them does that make me weird? today we got to come to skool late i was grateful for that i'm so tired of skool thank god its my last year all the work i wish i could write more on how i feel but whats the point no one cares that may sound "emo" but its the truth no one cares and thats the reality of things i mean yes there are a few who actually try but in my time i've only met about 5 max. even then i could be wrong do they really care? Right now i am in a state of "solitude" the thing is i only have 2 people i truly want to be around (that arent related) when one of them are there i dont need anyone else i could go on forever with just them my family is automatic no doubt i always feel ok with them its just that i feel myself seperating from my group drifting away into beautiful oblivion with them just them and i hate how dependent i am on them yet with them i feel ok i feel complete.... when they leave my heart will break and like all things i love eventually they leave and i must set them free....

later in the day-
the bells gonna ring and i'm miserable i wanna be quiet i really dont want to be here seriously right now in this moment i am slightly annoyed w/ myself and another who obviously doesnt give a shit about me yet i stay and wait patiently for them to care an ounce of hope is shot down by an unsuspected other who i thought was him but was totally wrong why do i even try? i give up i just want to go home i'm so tired of all this

i only made this cause i'm bored

my sister told me about this so i thought since i'm not really doing anything might as well write things that interest me w/e things that dont really matter but do weird i know but i am wierd or atleast i think i am.... but yes this is my first blog and i am already speaking so bluntly, i might actually start writing in this for a few weeks then i'll just stop like i stop everything funny yeah i know.... remember remember
http://www.livenation.com/event/getEvent/eventId/255011
I must go!
to this concert cause i love the cinematics and mutemath so my goal for the remainder 20 days is to find a ride to this concert i will go its my goal other than graduating on time....

Note to Self:
http://www.projectplaylist.com/
make playlist when can