i always seem to fall

i never get caught.... well i hated yesterday as i am starting to hate everyday today last day of skool and yet i managed to wake up late on the last fuckin' day i cant believe i over slept and even when i do i never over sleep where i am on the edge of being truly late it was horrible extremely horrible but moving on to yesterday i died again like i die everyday i cant handle how i feel i cant explain it to the person i feel it for in fear that they will not understand yet with that knowledge a change of the subject quickly leads me to belive that he truly doesnt care at all about me which is understandable of course why should i matter i am nothing and nothing is always somehting but in this case that something is nothing that makes no sense to anyone but me and even i truly dont fully understand it but yet i do... there are just things that he does that shows how much he secretly loathes me for things that i have no clue about and all i do is love do as i am told what a cruel fate i have led for myself...

its always over right before it all begins

had that song in my head skool is almost out and i dont really care how ironic my dream has finally come true and i'm still not happy i wonder what could actually make me happy because i see i am never satisfied i dont know this weekend may have been the worst i have ever had when that person had nothing to say its bad enough that forget it.... well as i was saying my dog died i had her for 9 1/2 yrs and she died just like that from an attack by a stupid neighborhood dog i hated that day the most because i just htought of everyhting i could have done to save her i tried so hard but still she died and no one really cared well they did but not enough to save heri kinda deserved it for the past few months i have been a neglectful owner i hadnt really spent time with her

today is just today

everyday is exactly the same... yesterday i went out with sh. and his bro to see spiderman 3 it was ok i guess i didnt really like it all that much but w/e it could have been better the only thing i liked was harry's character he was just so pathetic and weak and it was slightly adorable i had a nice time i just felt kinda alone it wasnt anyones fault i just felt as if i wasnt there thats all i am such a boring person sometimes i had no idea how t talk to his bro in fear of saying something stupid to him so i mostly stayed quiet and stuff i just thought of something a great idea me and his bro could go see 28 weeks later and sh. and sal can see the ex perfect i may try to do that tonight it depends on his bro and him plus i think i may have to go to work i am gonna try so hard to miss today and let my last day be tomorrow or at least tues. or w/e cause i have graduation to worry about and stuff so yeah what is going to happen today? well let me let fate decide i guess.... anyways lately i have been thinking of how i need to just let go of all the things that make me think and not the good thoughts the bad and paranoid thoughts that one shouldnt think about because it makes them even more miserable than they already are...

all i do...

is think of you.... i was thinking about it so i wrote it...these damn tears just wont stop flowing i hate today i hate everyone i just want to go home i am trying to hold back useless tears but i cant help it i cant help but cry when my heart is breaking why should it be breaking? because of him only him i just need to go away to leave away from here cause i am only making him and myself even more miserable so maybe i should just leave he was just so mean to me it hurt my little heart and he didnt even care maybe i deserved it but still it hurt he doesnt even see how much pain he puts in me so i think i am just going to leave i have nothing here that needs me oh well

no one cares so why should you...

its going to be awhile since i write in this but no one cares so why should i? its not like its actually read which is good right? if i wanted everyone to read this i would tell everyone about it and i dont so i guess i want this but i am not obligated to write in it everyday how nice seeing as i am the only one who actually reads it nice....
To Be Continued...

theres just nothing left

theres nothing that i really wish to write about thats all...but i will put this song lyrics that seem to represent me at this time the highlights are me at this moment...
"Between Love & Hate" - The Strokes
Watched her as she wiped her eyes; You don't make me sorry. Now I know That you never listened - Listen. Thinking about that high school dance Worrying about the finals Yes I know You're feeling lonely Oh lonely, so lonely. Never needed anybody, I never needed anybody I never needed anybody, I never needed nobody Don't worry about it, honeyI never needed anybodyI never needed anybody, it won't change now. Am I wrong? Don't sing along with me. I said I was fine, It's just the second time We lost the war She'd be in the kitchen I would start the fire Those days are gone But you know I can't give up - Give up. P.S. if i may ask why When will they get tired We've stayed up All night tryin' - Tryin'. Never needed anybody, I never needed nobodyI never needed anybody, I never needed anybody Don't worry about it, honey I never needed anybody I never needed anybody, it won't change now. Am I wrong?Don't sing along with me.I said I was fine. The second timeWe lost the war...
there ya go me at this moment....

wwod

well yesterday was almost a great except for when i was at work absolutely horrible i am going to quit because i am just miserable nothing i do is right over there so i just need to move on to something better or w/e i guess... i am now in 2nd and in a depressed state the bell is about to ring but i dont care right now in this moment i only care about forget it its so stupid i mean he doesnt even try to care its like he does it all in spite i hate that its so selfish but why should i care because i love him and i try so hard to make him happy and all i do is fail miserably like always so i give up i guess i give up i tried like always i try to make peace but only make things worse so why am i here?

i never seem to learn

alot of things are going wrong right now and i am just starting to realize it that alot is crashing and i dont think the aftermath is going to be pleasant.... lately my blogs have been getting shorter and shortermostly because i am just tired of writng about the same thing cause the same thing goes on over and over again because i dont care about anything else but those things thats why to you it would be boring but to me its everything... forget it... today i have to go to wrok oh how i dread work i just dont want to work i just want to hang out with my posse

Cant seem to get this right...

Like Salim Nourallah said "nothing ever goes right" ::random thought:: This morning i got to skool pretty early and i was glad for that although i only got to be alone for like 5 min. then V joined like always we were just talking like we do every morning we really dont talk about anything just random stuff i need someone i could actually talk to i am a great listener i would rather listen than talk sometimes cause when i talk no one gets it so i would rather listen than talk i guess i dont mind most of the time but sometimes i feel as if everyone sees me as a joke most of the time i am but there are times when i just want someone to see me to actually see behind this shield i hold up but no one ever does because no one even cares and i want someone to confide in me i wanted him to confide in me but i see it will go nowhere so i should stop trying i quit easily but i tried this time and like all others i failed yet again enough of this self loathing bullshit... today is hopefully going to be ok i really dont know what i am going to do well i know but will it all plan out the way i had it?
To be Continued...
i am in 5th period and a little annoyed as usual by dumb people lately i have been surrounded by dumb people

your just so amazingly cool cause someone wrote a song about you...

well this weekend was not what i would call the best the only good thing about it actually was that i went to the bookstore and got some books isnt that exciting and yesterday was an extremely depressing day i didnt like yesterday at all i mean its not that i didnt get to go its just that he didnt even call right away like i didnt matter and its like he knows i'll get over it so theres no point i guess in upsetting me cause yeah he knows i'll always come back how pathetic at least he tried calling again although it hurt that he basically blew me off but he tried to make up for it by inviting me over i should have said yes but i have too much pride for that i would feel like a dog isnt it horrible how half of this is about nothing of no importance to anyone else but me and i feel like an idiot writing about him all the time so i am gonna move on...the thing is theres nothing to actually write about when forget it.... yesterday afternoon i was going to get a drink but then i thought what would that do it would just make me realize how alone i actually am so i got a take 5 and a green tea instead while i was there i saw the CVS dude who might i say is cute for some reason hes just so innocent and shy looking and everytime i see him i cant help but smile hes just so serene yet not and lately he looks more confident i wonder what woke him up? one day i'll talk to him yesterday like i was saying we were about to leave and he said "ms." and i felt like he said it to me cause i looked and he looked right at me but i didnt think he could possibly be talking to me so i walked off later on after i got home i was like was he talking to us it just agitated me cause i wondered was he trying to get my attention? oh well such a foolish fairy tale thought but still who was he talking to? now onto this morning i wasnt again in the social mood so i went to the library and talked to v i've been doing that alot lately well atleast in the mornings i guess i have been thinking alot lately about everything and i've realized i'm happy but not truly cause i cant explain why i just i dont know forget it... thats all....
To Be Continued...
now i'm in 2nd and i need help on yes the project that i have been working on forever but i cant get help because this technically isnt my class so yeah i'm basically in here just to chill which in my opinion was a mistake i should probably go back to class and do my other work but i stay why? oh well i was just thinking of how much time i waste doing nothing absolutely nothing thinking of how i have nothing to say etc and how everything i say doesnt matter to anyone i talk to will they think of my words when i'm gone? will they remember everything i told them? probably not but when i'm gone it wont even matter cause i wont know or maybe i just wont care... i think a little too much i wish i just had a one tract mind it would make me feel alot better... sarcasm is a curse placed on everyone at one point...
To be Continued...
i wonder what life would be like if there was no such thing as boring

i dont know how much of this i can handle....

just promise me that you'll never leave me... well today is like all others bad yet tolerable i guess i think i give up i try so hard but now like all things i do i give up why now should i think anything could change nobody ever changes nothing changes why would i think that this time it would change but like everything i was wrong as always so i'll just let it go and deal with it if you love something set it free right? well this it i just wanted to be seen and i was looked through like 3 libras but thats life moving on... today i see it as a quiet day i am going to be more alone than usual i hate being alone because people look at you and think pathetic if i am going to be alone i want to be completely alone where no one knows i'm alone i hate for people to see my loneliness but today is just going to be a lonely day i feel as if i'm not here just a figment of everyones imagination something they made up to make them happy or keep them company i hate it sometimes i try so hard i tried so hard but i failed as usual such a low self esteem pathetic i'm out...
To Be Continued...
anyways i am now in 2nd period with a jerk who doesnt care about anybody but himself and his well being how nice right? anyways officially today is going to be a bad day i could already see it god i get angry so easy but shit i wonder why i cant believe i am even speaking to him so yeah maybe things are suppose to be this way i mean i've dealt with it this long i mean whats wrong with a little longer maybe i should just go away i dont know leave somewhere i wanted to but i cant leave the ones i love behind and thats where i cant be selfish where i wont let my feelings get in the way i am just so tired i really am i wonder whats next....
To Be Continued...
now i am in 5th i am suppose to be doing the rest of me project but i am gonna wait till she gets back for help well i am officially over it i always get over it i just wanted to be invited over too but i dont matter so w/e thats what made me upset the most is that, that one minor comment its like i dont know...

Never Needed Anybody

i dont want to do it your way... from the strokes an awesome band if i say so myself when i first heard them i was like eh no but then i listened to the words and it was beautiful... Moving on to this morning i went to my usual place now the library but this time v wasnt there so i was just left alone awkward any? well like all things i must get used to it which is ok i guess... i am again thinking too much about things that hurt my heart i give up i always give up why try when in the end i'll only be hurting myself and ruining everything like i always do so i give up watch later on i'm going to be doing the thing that which i said i give up sometimes i just want it all to drown out i wish there was a lacuna inc. like in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind so i could erase my memories erase it all and be ok be happy or atleast be free i want to forget to start over to become more brave more confident more intelligent but how could i? i swear sometimes i can be a total hypocrit i cant believe i actually write in this thing there is so much more to be told but my trust isnt that easily given out it takes alot for me to fully explain things no one reads this anyway so basically i'm writing to myself like a diary for people to glance at if your like me you wont actually read this whole thing you'll skim through it and make your opinion about it and think pathetic and boring and thats ok cause you dont know the whole story these are just random thoughts that need to be let out... sometimes i just want to leave become a drifter just go away away from all this and find someone who loves me and only me i wont need anyone else i'll be happy till they get tired of me and throw me away how cruel life can be and how cruel humans are breaking hearts like nothing seeing tears come down cheeks and thinking weakness because they arent the ones heartbroken how i loathe them i despise that they dont care that they feel nothing it just breaks my heart thinking how selfish people are and knowing that i may be selfish but i would never do that just throw someone away forget it it wont make any sense to anyone but me....
To Be continued...
so i was in a loathing mood today which i am most of the time whats new nothing much just htinking of everything that doesnt matter but i love t make it matter stupid right? i dont really feel like writing this period so yeah i'm out.... well i lied i'm still in here i dont even know why i'm staying truth be told i am going to be in a bad mood today i already see it but why so? mostly because of thoughts i have been having i really need to wake up but man i am just so tired seriously i just want to go home i mean do you think if someone really cares they would try harder? or maybe its that they get tired of it and eventually they dont care which one could it be all these questions there really is no answer but i could try at least there can be numerous conclusions why they dont care they being him it could be that i mean nothing or is of atleast of no importance i could be viewed as everyone else just another person that will fade away from their memory and while they are thinking that i'm just left behind trying and always failing how pathetic why do i even waste my time is it because i care so much how can you show someone how much you care when they dont even really care i am suppose to be doing a project but i dont even know what to do right now i dont get it i just dont get it so whats the use its not like i am going to remember it in a year sometimes the things i need to remember i forget and the things i want to forget i remember how cruelly ironic but thats life i guess well i had to let those little things out they were buggin' me...
To Be Continued...
now i am in 5th in a slightly annoyed mood people can be so irritating but i am not in the mood to write right now so i will be back in a bit...

oh man i'm so tired of waiting waiting for you...

i am now listening to mellowdrone my now and even forever favorite band and i'm happy for some reason they make me happy i always smile when i listen to them... moving on to yest. evening i was in a bad mood and it only got worse as the evening progressed bad things were just happening nothing went right for me that day until the night when all the problems were resolved but i was once asked if my heart was ever broken i said no what does it feel like? the response like it sounds, a horrible chest pain right where your heart is like its breaking its crushing inside you well i lied i've experienced it it hurts no doubt the pain is so unbearable that afterwards you cry well i atleast cry how pathetic yet not but i can say that yes i have experienced a pain awfully similar to that of supposed "heartbreak" my heart must break everytime i see oh forget it useless words for a ridiculous obsession sometimes i loathe myself for always wanting to talk about him i need to just get over but i know i wont so moving on to again yest. i wanted to know what he was gonna say but like all things the subject was changed but i did want to know and even now its bugging me but maybe its better if i not know but still theres always that curiousity and it will always be on my mind there are things i want to know about him but i fear that i may say the wrong response or that i may not completely understand it and look like a complete fool but i want to know what goes on in that beautiful mind of his and maybe one day i'll find out maybe he'll see me and see how much i truly care but whats the point of trying when i could fail miserably damn my heart and my mind for all the thoughts i have for all the rage i feel for all the things that make want to hate being around people i wish i could just improve myself but when i dont know and the sad thing is i should know right?

a song that i heard when i was younger and i felt it was like me it was me its by A perfect Circle
3 Libras
Threw you the obvious And you flew with it on your back A name in your recollection Down among a million, say: Difficult enough to feel a little bit Disappointed, passed over. When I've looked right through, To see you naked and obliviousand you don't see me Well I threw you the obvious, Just to see if there's more behind the Eyes of a fallen angel, Eyes of a tragedy. Here I am expecting just a little bit Too much from the wounded But I see, See through it all, See through, And see you. So I threw you the obvious Do you see what occurs behind the Eyes of a fallen angel Eyes of a tragedy Well, oh well.. Apparently nothing. Apparently nothing at all. You don't You don't You don't see me You don't You don't You don't see me You don't You don't You don't see me You don't You don't You don't see me at all....
a lovely song if i could say so myself its amazing how some songs i hear remind me of myself but to others it may just be another song i like to think of songs as a part of me like a trait or w/e its all confusing but hey i am a confusing person well the bell is gonna ring so i will leave it at that...
To Be Continued....

nothing ever goes right

today is a tiring day i feel drained for some reason i didnt even stay up late yesterday my head hurts though so maybe thats whats doing it.... now on to yesterday evening i went to work then i went to my "friend's" house where he was with my sister and they were watching a movie i was definitely not going to watch it not my kind of movie i guess so i chilled w/ his bro noah it was his bday after all, all we did was talk which is a good thing it feels good to talk to someone else that is also well not alone but secluded? no thats not the word who is also tired of being around the "couple" so i joined him in his reclusive state i felt like i kinda just interrupted his state of mind i guess you could say but i thought hey nobody wants to be alone so i didnt feel bad after all it was interesting as all things are sometimes... now onto this morning i went to the library yet again and talked to v sometimes i think he's sad about what i dont know but he just looks so lost or something i dont know how to explain it but i find myself talking to him more going to him in the mornings because i dont feel like being around alot of people i guess i am still in my non social mood so i go to him and just talk to him or if hes not there then i'm alone and thats good cause get to think more yay! well the bell is gonna ring so i will contiue this convo later...
To be Continued...
moving on to something off subject completely i am very irritated and slightly depressed mostly because i feel as if today isnt going to be a good day everything is just going wrong for me lately and i hate it all i just want it all to go away cause i am getting so tired of it all the hate all the pain all the things that make me insane here i go... how could someone hate someone for reasons that they cant fully explain i was explained a little bit but i still just dont get it why hate him i love him why him? its not his fault...am i mostly to blame for this rage? i just want to clone myself to make me and everyone happy cause lately i am becoming more miserable w/ myself i make everyone happy but i'm not happy in the process then i am happy and in that process i hurt someone else i just cant handle it anymore and thats where it comes to tough decisions that i have to make and i hate that i hate to make hard decisions but i must and i dont know what to do i just want to go home and think cause its kinda hard to think right now and i dont want to have a breakdown in class and the worse part is i dont know who to talk to about this about this situation because i dont want to hurt anyone but dammit i need some help cause what if i do the wrong thing make the wrong choice then its all my fault and as usual i'm always the one to blame how cruel life can be sometimes... i wanted to talk to my "friend" but he cant come in cause the class was being "bad" or w/e so yeah now all class period i'm going to be alone and miserable and do nothing nice right no wrong it sucks so yes i am in a terrible mood and i do not wish to write more so goodbye....

weekends gotta love em'

this weekend was almost fun well it was actually sunday was the most i went bowling yeah i know how whack the worst part was that i was horrible at it the highest score i got was i think a 56 or like a 65 one of them we (my sis and i) went with my "friend" and his brother who is totally different from him but in a good way and it was fun its just the day well afternoon went by so fast there wasnt realy enough time to hang out you know what let me start from the beginning starting with fri. worked as usual the only good thing was that my bro came into town...sat. we (me and my other friend ves) worked our asses off from 10:30 to 5:30 lets just say no breaks ok except for little sit downs well after work me and ves and my "friend" hung out just playing games at home nothing really huge it was a good day that day except for the constant work but thats ok cause i got to hang with my 2 special people together w/out any fight or nothing everything went well...now on sun. the morning wasnt so great there was arguing abit for things of no importance well we were suppose to call my "friends" bro early but i didnt know that so yeah we ended up basically wasting the day away until the afternoon just let me go on to my "friends" bro well he's different from anyone i know theres just something about him that makes me fowardly blunt and i'm not like that i felt so dumbfounded it wasnt even funny and me i am not really the "social" type i'm extremely awkward especially around guys seriously its bad so i basically kind of made a fool of myself trust me if you would have known what i said at the end then omg that was the worst i'm not good at all with asking people to hang out so here i go like a dumbass saying "hit me up on your next day off" how cheesy is that pretty cheesy horrible cheesy i felt like such a loser i think i even said it twice i just feel so embarrassed cause my actions are just hilarious in an innocent awkward way and i basically made a complete fool of myself but it was worth it i was kinda mad cause the day ended so fast and we didnt really have a chance to actually hang out but thats ok another time hopefully...i find myself seeing that my "friend" is actually becoming a best friend i am seeing myself putting so much trust in him telling him everything how i feel how i think basically my insanity and i dont know if i'm doing the right thing should i keep on like this should i open up to someone who i hardly know anything about i told him alot cause i dont know his eyes those damn eyes i just i dont know feel like he gets it yet not confusing right i just dont want to be alone there are very few people who i actually show my true self too and that my family my two best buds trace and ves and now my "friend" and his bro i have mentioned little of who i am, this this blog here isnt everything about me about who i am well not a 100 percent who knows all i could be writing could be lies but only i know the truth so no foul no harm its just i know no body i know actually reads this and thats ok with me its just something i could write what i think about on... weird actaully how i am so different yet the same well the bell is just about to ring so i will leave you...
To be Continued...
well this morning was a normal morning except i didnt hang w/ v cause i had to just had to tell ves. about yesterday and later on after that i made my "friends" bro a bday card how sweet cause today is his bday and i prolly sound like a girly girl how dense of me i know but i cant help it today i was extremly happy and everyone was asking why are you so happy of course i didnt tell them but hey who cares? i know why i am so happy but of course with every happy moment theres always a worry i can never be truly happy because again i think too much and now i'm thinking of something totally off subject and i'm starting to worry i mean i kinda believe in astrology and i just thought of one of the readings it said be aware of trusting someone they may not be what they seem or something and i am thinking just too much what am i doing today? absolutely nothing just working work work work oh well i ran out of things to write for today i have talked about all i wanted to so i will leave it at this....

Boredom is sweet, But it's more fun with you, I hate everybody...and you hate 'em too

Mellowdrone my now and even forever favorite band....

My 1st love song (a lovely song) (in red favorite lyrics in the song)

I'll be the boy And you'll be my girly I'll write us a love song It'll tell us a story And you'll show it off To all of your friends And they'll all get jealous Or at least they'll pretend But I'm sorry to say... I'm not that clever I can't write words that'll last you forever So everyone, all gather 'round Watch me just sit here, Watch me crack down All just for you Just so you know It all falls apart Whenever you go Boredom is sweet, But it's more fun with you I hate everybody...and you hate 'em too So let's have a drink In fact make it two Because of lately, I'm becoming immune I did nothing wrong But it hurts anyway And for that I'm sorry, For that I'm sorry So everyone, all gather 'round Watch me just sit here, Watch me crack down All just for you Just so you know It all falls apart Whenever you go Whenever you go Whenever you go....

moving on to later on in the period yesterday well i was alone till he came along and i felt better i didnt feel alone anymore how pathetic and dependent i am on him sad really but i dont know i guess he puts a smile on my face everytime dammit i'm ranting again well thats all that happened i just got happy then later on i felt awful because of a dilemma a small one yet i dont know i just felt like i should've done more for him and i didnt and i just kept thinking about it all day about what i could've done if i would've just tried harder but then it wouldn't have been my place to try to make him stay although i always want him to stay he knows that i make it so obvious and now i feel i am sounding obsessive when i should know better than to be writing like this i guess i'll never learn why care for someone who doesnt really care about me? maybe he does yeah i know he does but then again i've been wrong before... i really need to find someone who loves me not anyone else but just me and someone who never gets bored cause i am an extremely boring person but i just need to move on and find someone new although its wrong cause i am doing it just to get over him how pathetic....

To Be Continued...

well i am now in 5th yet again not really talking to anyone cause i am not really in the "talking" mood right now so i am just sitting here thinking as usual i want to read but i dont think i could give it the full attention it deserves i mean i guess sometimes i want to be alone yet not so i could read or do something that expands my mind so i could become a more intelligent person yet i always find myself failing giving up i always give up because i always fail but i once heard from a misunderstood guy who is actually very interesting and is a good guy that i'm not stupid or i'm not slow i just take my time thats all... and i never really looked at my life like that i always thought i was a failure but then i thought hey i'm not dropping out i'm still here trying to graduate there has been time i've had my doubts where i wanted to quit but then i thought about the ones i care about most i dont want to disappoint them so i stayed and look at me i am finally graduating and it feels good cause this is the one thing i didnt give up on so maybe i should try more and take my time cause yeah maybe i'll accomplish it like i've accomplished graduating... now on to other things on my mind...i'm still trying to finish the project i have in this class i've done a little i just have to wait awhile till i get help i hate when i dont know what to do it makes me feel inferior to everyone elses intelligence and i hate that i hate to have to swallow my pride to ask for help it just gets to me i guess... class is almost over in about 10 min. and i'm waiting i'm just so tired i dont even want to go to work today cant wait till sunday though we're suppose to b going out but i dont know next time i write it will be monday so farewell for now....

End

Another Day Another Dollar?

well yesterday later in the day noonish i went to work as always i may have dug a huge hole for myself that i cant get out of well i an but i fear the consequences i offered to work everyday except for sundays yay? well i wanted so hard to get my friend a job and i like a fool thought if i offered to work another day then for sure he would get it but it ended up where yes he probably got it but i dont know if it was because i was gonna work the extra day or because i just actually stood up and asked them so now i am going to work all the time the hours are good but now i dont know whats going to happen to me and what if he doesnt get the job then all i have done was in vain and i'm going to be tired everday i mean the only good thing is that my best friend one of them works with me so thats about it and she agreed to go with me on my offer so now they said well we wont need him on tues. since ya'll are gonna work so yeah thats the reason i did it so they wont be short of people and lookie what happened he's not even gonna work that day.... well moving on to this morning as you already know i'm not even in this class i just accomplished everything in my other one so i come in here and get online so thats what i'm doing right now well on to my previous subject about this morning i woke up early as usual and yet again i still managed to come to skool late i hate coming to skool late i like to be early because i dont want to be around too much people or have to go through them cause i get claustrophobic or w/e well hate to cut this short but the bell is gonna ring....
To be continued...
now i am in 5th and i am starting to loathe it mostly because myself but i dont know i think i worry a little too much on things that others would find ridiculous and i cant help it i'm a worrier and thats that but right now in class i am usually the social butterfly but here i find myself alone and i feel as if i'm all alone in this and i hate it i hate this moment right now and i just want to go home or not be here i feel as if everyone is against me when i know thats not true but i also find myself seperating from everyone and everything its like i want this but i dont i really dont want to be here in this moment i am suppose to be doing a project but i just dont want to not only that but i dont even know where to begin on it so i am just writing how i feel at this moment and to sum it up i feel isolated and desolate and i just dont want to be here i need someone to make me happy and obviously no ones here how depressing is reality and how pathetic i am j ust being here thinking too much about stuff that worries me and it hurts my heart i just want to go away in this moment just leave and crawl inside myself and sleep....
Later on in the period...

Learn then Leave

Out of the blue i am going to talk about you.... how cheesy but w/e it just popped in my head so i thought i would write it i dont know i guess i like it... moving on yesterday i had a sudden awakening i guess to learn that somethings i shouldnt take seriously for example some one saying something repugnant but not meaning it as "serious" just joking around i would take it seriously but now i dont know i guess i am starting to catch myself and say hey he's just kidding he even says it too, like when i am about to get mad, "you cant get mad i was just kidding" also i know it when he has a grin on his face but still i guess i'll have to learn i was saying i'm just not going to take you seriously he was like no i'll stop joking around i replied with no its cool i think i know when your being serious and when your not i just have to look at your face or w/e well that all happened yesterday afternoon/evening.... so moving on to today i am in 1st just writing in you obviously, this morning i was in the library yet again just looking for something some one then v came and i chilled with him just talking about randon things like always and i was content as i am now well the bell is gonna ring so i will write later....
To be continued...
now i'm in 2nd doing nothing in an extremely foul mood today may not be a good day for me i kinda have a feeling for some reason i have realized something about myself i am a very jealous person i dont know if i wrote this before but if i did so what i am slightly annoyed with a hint of irratability well the reason why i am so jealous is because i dont know insecuruty? maybe its my lack of trust towards anyone i just know that if i see something i dont like then i will show it thats one thing i used to do is hide my emotions now i just dont care i mean if they care about me then why should i have to hide them right? oh well this is probably making no sense because i'm not thoroughly explaining my situaution but i dont care so yeah anyways on to more well less important things my computer keeps being a punk so i will write later during 5th
again to be continued...
now i'm in 5th and sometimes i wonder am i that obvious with how i feel about him its so complicated i feel vulnerable because of him i think he's mad at me again but i too am mad i shouldnt be but dammit i am and we will eventually get over it like always but i need to just let go and get over all of it all of this cuse i'm only hurting him and i never wanted to hurt him and not only that but i'm hurting myself the end

not in the usual "social" mood right now....

this morning i decided to go to the library because i didnt really feel like being around anyone or hearing the loud noises of people so i secluded myself in the library cause everyone knows you have to be quiet in the library so i was perfect later on my friend sat with me shes so adorable i care for her alot cause shes similar to me but in a more creative beautiful way later on another friend v came by and he needed help with his english paper a conclusion mostly but i thought finally i'm needed so i jumped to the chance this being the guy i once had an infatuation for i didnt mind it cause we were friends and after all it was only a minor crush nothing where i love him he's just an attractive guy that i thought was oh you get it... but i dont know today is just a day where i want to be around certain people i guess no thats not the right word where i want to be reclusive but if someone decides to join me in it their welcome perfect thats it so yes... will i be like this all day? probably not it wont last i'll end up becoming the social butterfly again or maybe i'll end up just being quiet or looking as if i'm upset but i'm not i'm just i dont know thinking being withdrawn or w/e.... i find myself sitting here actually thinking looking down at my chipped nail polish that doesnt look noticeably chipped and i'm just thinking today is going to be a lonely day and i dont know why maybe because 2 of the people i care for arent here but 1 more is and that should be enough but i dont know i just feel as if today is going to be a lonely quiet day but then again i've been wrong before.... anyways i see as i'm waiting for some artistic part of me to bust out and explain everything i want to say and feel in theories or "philosophical" statements i in reality am "one dimensional" i guess i'm not smart or w/e or maybe i'm just not motivated enough....
To be continued...later on in the day....
well i wasnt exactly quiet like i thougth i would be maybe it was just a morning thing i dont know but i'm back or am i?nvm now anyways about my philosophical insights i wish to become more imaginative and i believe my studying different philosophers i will see different opinions on life, love, beauty, truth, hate etc. i'm not trying to copy their ideas but i just want to view their ideas and opinions and learn something new hear something that could change my view on life just i dont know how to explain it its kinda confusing but thats ok i guess i'm the only one who actually gets me so yeah.... anyways right now i am in my 5th period on here obvioulsy listening to what is now kc &jojo i know totally old skool but i dont care i love this song!

"Punch Drunk Love"

sometimes i see events in my life like this movie there are things i wish no one would know embarrassing things but i think sometimes i dig my own grave maybe i should become a liar even to those i do trust because i dont think they really understand what i mean when i say certain things but then when i say them they dont really come out the way i want them too it sounds confusing of course because i am a very confusing person.... Sometimes i wish i could change who i am and how i am because i am so weak to think on an online blog that shows to almost everyone i'm over here writing how i actually feel...how pathetic.... things i wish to say to the ones i care about the things that i probably in a confusing way already told them i just wish that i could find someone who gets me and doesnt think me crazy or pitiful sometimes i think the people who "care" have to they just feel sorry for me they dont care because they love me they care because they have to or maybe i'm worng like i am so often maybe i am just feeling sorry for myself as i do most of the time here i go again with the truth telling everyone my "inner thoughts" but whos gonna read if no one cares about just another blog of someone who wants attention i want attention but not from you only from those that i love that i want they know who they are but they'll never read this because maybe i'll never show them or maybe they know i have this but they'll never read it cause i am of no importance to them how ironic i guess i'm getting paid back for all my sins.... I never said i was a saint but even saints once in their life have to become a sinner only to repent and become true saints maybe if i repent enough i could become something better not a saint but close to it....

i am now in 2nd bells gonna ring i'm not even in this class yet not till 5th but w/e i'm just bored right now since my "friend" is busy or w/e i swear he can be such a hypocrit sometimes but whatever i dont care when i do i know i know i know i too am a hypocrit but arent we all but i'm not that bad where i dont admit so yeah i am now going to get off till 5th cause the bell just rung

my poor "friend" i always get mad at him and he always forgives me is it because he has too? or does he really care i think he does sometimes but then there are times when i just dont know but yes the above writing was written out of anger that i had little reason to be mad at him but only i could understand the true reason why i get mad at him sometimes....he will never read this so thats ok i just want to say to him i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm done i seriously dont like saying sorry that easily especially when spoken but for him i'll do it w/out hesitation how pathetic lol.... thats the end of that....

we all want love we all need love... but what is love?

love is for me extremely hard to explain i believe it to be that a person stays with one other person the rest of their lives and that person never gets tired of them never complains about being with them etc. basically unconditional love the love that can never be tempted or tainted with the beauty of sirens seeking to split something beautiful up.... but as i grow older i start to view love differently its rushed it fades slowly and in the end everyone ends up alone its extremely depressing or the person you love doesnt love you doesnt see you they only see the beauty in others and never in you never in me maybe because there is no beauty to see find someone who love you more i was always told yet what if the ones i love dont love me more will i be left behind heartbroken? i could say atleast i tried but did i try hard enough? the questions are never to be answered but they're always in my head how sad i think i think i a little too often and i care a little too much how pathetic i guess we all have to wait to find the true definition of love because for everyone its different....

another selfish day all over again....

well like all things i was wrong he did "care" how dumb can i be some times well anyways what ami to do today oh thats right work all work and no play makes me an irritable girl i am so tired of working only two days off of the week maybe i just dont like working but then again who does?

Another failing attempt to get what i want....

does that make any sense? the concert i wanted to go to i now cant because i have no ride i really wanted to go i wish i knew how to drive then maybe i could go even if i'm alone i would still be able to hear the beautiful music they play i love it i've only heard one song from the cinematics and already i love them does that make me weird? today we got to come to skool late i was grateful for that i'm so tired of skool thank god its my last year all the work i wish i could write more on how i feel but whats the point no one cares that may sound "emo" but its the truth no one cares and thats the reality of things i mean yes there are a few who actually try but in my time i've only met about 5 max. even then i could be wrong do they really care? Right now i am in a state of "solitude" the thing is i only have 2 people i truly want to be around (that arent related) when one of them are there i dont need anyone else i could go on forever with just them my family is automatic no doubt i always feel ok with them its just that i feel myself seperating from my group drifting away into beautiful oblivion with them just them and i hate how dependent i am on them yet with them i feel ok i feel complete.... when they leave my heart will break and like all things i love eventually they leave and i must set them free....

later in the day-
the bells gonna ring and i'm miserable i wanna be quiet i really dont want to be here seriously right now in this moment i am slightly annoyed w/ myself and another who obviously doesnt give a shit about me yet i stay and wait patiently for them to care an ounce of hope is shot down by an unsuspected other who i thought was him but was totally wrong why do i even try? i give up i just want to go home i'm so tired of all this

i only made this cause i'm bored

my sister told me about this so i thought since i'm not really doing anything might as well write things that interest me w/e things that dont really matter but do weird i know but i am wierd or atleast i think i am.... but yes this is my first blog and i am already speaking so bluntly, i might actually start writing in this for a few weeks then i'll just stop like i stop everything funny yeah i know.... remember remember
http://www.livenation.com/event/getEvent/eventId/255011
I must go!
to this concert cause i love the cinematics and mutemath so my goal for the remainder 20 days is to find a ride to this concert i will go its my goal other than graduating on time....

Note to Self:
http://www.projectplaylist.com/
make playlist when can