Sometimes i feel like I'm looking through rose colored glasses

Feeling a little down very down actually, I want to sleep but I'm waiting for something to happen. NOTHING happens. This is it. So much is going through my head it hurts, I hurt. My eyes burn and tear up as I'm writing this, bc nothing seems real. Everything seems or feels like a lie. I feel like complete then something happens and I feel torn apart, ripped to shreds waiting to be complete again. Then I wake up I'm whole again. By the end of the night as I see and realize things it starts over. I just realize how I'm nothing not needed, how sometimes I feel as if anyone doesn't feel the need to talk to me, to be with me.I'm soo tired sleep right now seems like the sweetest thing.

its not dieting, its eating healthy

I have to think like that bc if I think dieting I am most likely to fail, and I'm tired of failing I have to do this for myself. I have to make myself happy, I have no energy, no life in me, I'm happiest when with him <3 but when he leaves. And I'm alone its like get up mona do something and I lay there or sit there and do nothing. So if I eat better energizing foods all will be well id have more energy and I kno I will just feel better. I need this! And I have to do this for me, change basically my whole lifestyle bc I'm a junkfood attic. I need to view this healthy food as my junkfood now bc if I'm an addict might as well change my addiction to healthy = junkfood lol. Plus I'm just tired of the way I look, tired of being envious of beautiful girls, secretly wishing I looked like that, I wana look like me but a healthy beautiful me ya kno? And I am I will I have to or else I will die miserable, and others in my state may not be that's fine but me myself and I aren't truly happy and we meaning me I am gonna try my hardest now before its too late....

Taken in, Taken in again...

Taken in, taken in again
Wrapped around the finger of some fair-weather friend
Caught up in the promises, left out in the end
No pride, taken for a ride
You say I'm the only one when I look in your eyes
I want to believe you but you know how to lie

And if you say you understand I don't believe it
And when you reach out for my hand I don't believe it
And if you say you take the blame I don't believe it
And if say that nothing's changed I don't believe it, don'tbelieve it

Taken in, taken in again
Someone saw me coming, a fool without a friend
There's one born every minute and you're looking at him

And if you say you want me near I don't believe it
And when you're holding back the tears I don't believe it
And when you swear that you are mine I don't believe it
And it's your heart that's on the line I don't believe it, don'tbelieve
it

Taken in, taken in again
Wrapped around the finger of some fair-weather friend
Caught up in the promises, left out in the end
No pride, taken for a ride
You say I'm the only one when I look in your eyes
I'd love to believe you but you know how to lie

You say you want me near I don't believe it
And when you're holding back the tears I don't believe it
Oh, there's one born every minute, you're looking at him

Taken in, taken in again
Someone saw me coming, a fool without a friend
I want to believe you, oh
When you say you understand
When you reach out for my hand
Oh, I wish I could believe you
Taken in, taken in again


Awesome song now bleh... i feel sick allergies i feel all fuzzy in my head and kinda not feeling soo good, I'm soo whiney i knoo thats why only few people know about this blog bc i dont really think anyone cares to hear about whining so yeah. Which is also why i write in this, its a good way to vent so i dont care, today was a very lovely day today i love this weather couldnt enjoy it much because i'm sick but still it was lovely... was with my love for a bit i was happy, then everyone left and yet again alone... someone told me to get use to being alone, i dont think it was meant as an insult i think it was meant in situations such as these. i dont feel happy right now bc i am alone also something upset me that kinda made me feel awfully sad and hurt really like a knife to the heart. i cant complain bc if i do then i am making a big deal and over reacting maybe i am... but if you sent someone a message and they write everyone but you isnt there something wrong with that? after you try to give the proper attention say nice things and yet in the end you get nothing, just waiting.... People lie, I lie, Everyone lies. I try not to but in the end everyone lies about something right? And it may not be a bad lie if there is a good lie. I just wish i didnt care much especially about people who say they care but i think they dont actually i am pretty sure they dont...lies lies lies. yet i can be wrong this could all just be in my head, damn the brain and its mysteries, its paranoia, delusions, and misconceptions. also i have no one to talk to about this as always bc either i get more questions or i get emotional answers instead of logical ones. what i think though is i kno i am gonna say something i regret i always do i am gonna say what is bothering me and it will backfire in my face. Win to lose situation....

pulls away...from you

I've always hated when someone told me I was a bad person. I kno that ya kno? I kno who I am and I'm not great but I'm not fucking evil or damn I'm not a bad person. I hate when they stab the kinfe in piercing the heart but do they have to twist it too? Usually when they twist they mean to kill I hate how I'm feeling and I have no one to talk to really no one who could understand my current misery. What's funny is tommorro it will be as if nothing happened, what a way to live, cry now laugh later, as they all say get over it right? I do but its always there that fucking knife twisting inside. I'm only angry tommorro I'll find my way, its always better the next day.

Me and my mind my poor poor mind stop caring oh wait that's my small tiny heart eh....

sometimes i wonder hmm i get angry for things that im wondering maybe i shouldnt get mad at maybe im over reacting ya kno? but damn is it my fault all the time? i cant just be making a big deal over everything and also i mean get over it? really? im sorry if i cant be soo submissive and be like ok its dropped...ok time to breathe and sleep sweet bc im in love with my one and hes all i need. yes im soo sure hes perfect. wow all of a sudden im not angry anymore, even when hes unavailable i think of him and instant happiness. now this is bliss.

swimming in a pool of confusion...

and it seems im beginning to drown. my paranoia always gets the best of me i think i see things and i dont kno if i dont or maybe i do. i dont even kno what im trying to say im just soo lost. i think im drowning going deeper and deeper the light is going away trying to swim up but i cant reach the surface. lately all i want to do is be with him, all i want is him, if hes not around i feel nothing, i kno what i have to do but im stuck. im drowning i think maybe im just idk i need a push and hes pushing believe me hes pushing but it doesnt seem to work its me its always me. when will i wake up? i need to quit being paranoid and thinking the worst but its soo hard when people put words and questions in my head i think and think then i begin to see things and think well maybe this that is true and i snap out of it that is when i kno i need to stop and do something else to get my mind off of things. but i find myself asking should i listen to me or to them? am i blinded by this love for him? so many questions and as always never any answers. for now i will continue to sink. i notice im talking about 2 different subjects i confuse myself sometimes.

Its been awhile

well we meet again my blog and i. some say i dont get enough sleep some say i get too much. hmmm if i get too much sleep then why am i tired all the time? i want to lay in bed and sleep all day then i wake up and im tired yet cant sleep so im just there laying there waiting for something waiting for something to hit me to say hey do something dont lay there be with me and then nothing.... im left laying there alone waiting for my love. someone told me i should try to be alone thats its unhealthy for me to be uncomfortable alone i told them well i hate it i dont like being alone it makes me think. i honestly dont like to think bc what starts off as positive thinking turns negative and i have to do something to stop. i hate being alone makes me sad too, well some say i dont get enough sleep that my sleep schedule is all messed up that i should sleep at 2  or 230 the latest so i could wake up early enough to do something umm that will improve my well being. i try i think to sleep early but sometimes it gets hard to sleep i just cant do it my mind isnt ready to sleep to shut down and take a break so im left up and doing things hmmm sucks too some say if i just lay there do nothing i will fall. i do but it never works maybe sometimes but usually not then again it may be my own fault. all i kno is i have to do something bc if not then im gonna become more self loathing and i need to love myself bc lately i hate me myself and i. someone also told me how could you love someone when you cant love yourself? now that i think about it is because maybe i could love him enough to love myself, like i love him soo much he loves me enough to where maybe i could begin to love myself. but then again i could be lying to myself as always trying to make things better being optimistic then ofc as of now i just turned it negative....when will it end?